A Lot to Consider
I wasn't prepared for one of the things he said. D said he would always love me. Instant guilt here, because of the feelings I have for him--the whole hate thing for him not being there for me after I was raped. I still feel that, though. Maybe it's not justified? I'm not going to second guess myself for feeling that way. Not right now.
Anyway, D won't go into counseling with me. Absolutely, no way. First thing to consider.
I finally got him to admit his feeling. I thought he hated me, that he was mad at me, that he was still hung up on his belief that I had an affair. Turns out, he doesn't. At least that's what he said. Second thing to consider.
Then he stated the obvious, if I look back over the years, especially the last three or four. We have grown apart. True. I didn't even know what to get him for Christmas, because I don't really know him anymore. So, we don't know each other. Third thing to consider.
The other thing I finally got him to admit is that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Not because of hatred, or anger, or any of those things I figured. Just because all we do is "exist", apart from each other. Fourth thing to consider.
Dr H and I talked around the subject of me telling him about the rapes. Now I don't know if that's even necessary anymore. I told D that I needed time to figure out how I felt, and what I wanted to do, because I know divorce is a monumental thing. And even though D said he would always love me, if we aren't going to be together forever, I most likely will never tell him I was raped. I don't even know if I ever would be able to, even if we stay together.
I'm still proud of myself for actually going to him and asking him to talk. I'm a little up in the air about the whole conversation, but I have been thinking about it since we talked. Strangely, I'm feeling OK with everything we talked about. And I think I'm feeling slightly more confident for taking the step I took today.
Still, there are lots of things to consider.