Sometimes I Wonder
But sometimes I wonder what's the use. I guess that's where I'm at right now. I mean, things don't seem to be getting BETTER. I don't feel much better about myself. And I'm no closer to talking about the rapes with Dr H.
I've been in therapy for a year and a half. I know that's not long compared to some. I will admit I feel better than I did when I started, but I think that's because of all the medications I'm on. Before I started taking them, I was totally useless.
I guess I just still feel useless. It's more a feeling now, than before, when I couldn't function. It seems like the farther in therapy I get, the more complicated my emotions and life seem to become, like there's so much more that I can't handle. Like, I don't know if I'll be able to bring up these recent bits of memory with Dr H.
Maybe it's all just because I'm actually having to face my emotions and everything, and not drown them all in booze.
I just feel like maybe there is TOO much work to be done on me, and I wonder if I'm really worth it. All the energy, all the work. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know how much Dr H wants to handle. It seems I've given her so much work to do on me, and maybe it's not fair to burden her.
I know it's her JOB. And I do feel she cares. She cares BECAUSE it's her job, but I think she also cares because she's a caring person.
I guess I'm just not as caring a person, when it comes to me. But I should be caring enough to want to heal me, shouldn't I?