Struggling with this
I don't understand how my mind, my memories can be so selective. Right now I am in a high state of anxiety, and I wonder if any of this is worth the struggle. I'm stressing myself out so much, I feel like taking my meds and sleeping for a week.
I don't talk to anyone, except Dr H, about being raped, and all I've told her is that twenty years ago I was raped twice by a superior of mine in the US Navy. Beyond that, I haven't said anything to anyone. I'm not to the point where I can. But I can remember it. I have flashbacks. I have nightmares. I have panic attacks whenever I see a cop, or any man in uniform. I remember his smell, his words, how everything he did to me felt. I remember where he attacked me. I remember it all, and wish I couldn't.
I also remember being molested by my mother. That I have talked to Dr H about, briefly. But I remember that, every part of it.
My problem is that I've been having these other memories lately.
Memories of a night in my college dorm, with a guy. Him kissing me and forcing his hand inside my blouse, grabbing my breasts. Then NOTHING. No memory of ANYTHING until sometime the following day, I think.
Memories of being in a man's apartment, a man I met when I was hospitalized for one of my suicide attempts. I remember being on his couch, him on top of me, pushing his fingers inside me and hurting me. Then, again, NOTHING. The next memory I have is of driving in the snow.
These memories keep coming at me, and I feel like I'm going to pass out, throw up. My heart is racing, and I can't calm myself.
I have been trying all day to get my mind focused on something else, anything. I've been trying to work on a new piece of artwork that I started some time ago. I've been watching TV. But nothing is helping. I think I'm trying somehow to force myself to remember, but I can't.
I just want to. So badly. I want to remember WHAT happened. I NEED to know. I know I'm stressing myself out, and I want to scream. I want to sleep, but my mind won't stop racing.
Things were so much easier when I got drunk and passed out. But I'm resisting that urge.
I just want it all to stop.