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Failure

Posted by missophelia , 04 January 2010 · 22 views

With a capital F. I'm a big, fat, fucking failure. There. I said it. That's how I feel tonight. I won't apologize.

Twice today I've been told I shouldn't feel that way. But I do. Everybody can just deal with that.

I talked things out with Dr H, about my nightmare, about my dental and financial problems. She was (is) a good listener. Funny, as much as I hate therapy, most of the time I seem to come away from a session feeling slightly better.

That's a good thing.

Failure #1
I didn't take good care of my teeth, including visits to the dentist. Although I absolutely hate dental visits--very triggering. I had two choices. I chose. The remaining teeth in my mouth are going to be removed, and I will get dentures.
In some ways, I hope the dentures are ugly. That would be a good way to beat myself up, to have to look at myself every day in the mirror and hate even more what I see.

Failure #2
I didn't take care of my debts. I just stopped paying them. I didn't care. In a way, I still don't. I just "care" that I now have to file for bankruptcy, something I have done before. Makes me feel like a lowlife.

I'm not in a good space tonight, I'm pissed as hell with myself. I'm pissed at the place I'm at. I'm pissed with my PTSD and all the feelings and memories and thoughts and STUFF that won't go away. I'm pissed at having to take meds to help me "deal" with everything.

I'm also depressed. And hurting.

End of rant



Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

March 2015

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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