Today was the planned Christmas/New Years celebration with my brother and his family, who are visiting from out of state. I think of all my relatives, my brother is my favorite. We weren't close growing up, him being younger than I was, so I considered him a pain in the neck. Now we're as close as we possibly can be. He's an all around good guy.
The problem I had was going to my mom's house, and having to be around her. Just the thought of being around her, her coming to my house, me going to her house, sets me to panic every time.
My mother is overbearing. Her opinion is always the right one. She can be very aggressive if she wants you to agree with everything she's saying. That alone is enough to send my anxiety level to a new high.
But that's not my problem with her.
I've never told anyone what she did to me when I was 10, and I don't know if I have the nerve yet to write it down here. Over time, I've even tried to convince myself that it never happened.
Anyway, I can't imagine sharing what happened with anyone. The act alone was bad enough, but the way she treated me afterward was another thing. She didn't talk to me for days. I felt so dirty, and like I didn't deserve anyone's love or attention. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong.
I know I hold a deep resentment to her, and I've often said "I hate her," to myself, and to others when I've been drunk. I know I'm angry with her, but I rarely let that surface. The last time I did, I did some major damage. My rage terrifies me.
But on the surface, everything between her and me is just fine. Even when she's overbearing. I just bite my tongue and try to dismiss her from my mind, even though I'm screaming inside.
So, the whole day, from this morning until now, I've been so stressed and full of anxiety. I've been home a while now, but my body won't let it go. All I want to do is be able to relax, and enjoy something, anything. I've taken my meds like I'm supposed to, but they haven't helped much. Hopefully my sleep meds will help.
I don't know what writing all of this down will do to help me, but there it is. Maybe I'll bring it up with Dr H, but I don't think I'm ready yet.
I may never be.