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Posted by missophelia , 12 December 2009 · 77 views

I was watching a TV show today, and the main character was talking about being able to give her mind, her heart, and her body to someone, as in a relationship.
I started thinking about my relationship with my husband.

I am married. I've been married for twenty one years.
I was raped after I had been married only one year.
My husband still does not know.
When it happened, it was during a period of time where he would get drunk to the point of passing out, so it was easy for me to hide everything from him.
It was not easy for me to be intimate with him, but somehow I managed to. I never really gave myself to him after I was raped. When I was intimate with him, my mind went somewhere else. My heart, my mind, and my body haven't really been his in these past twenty years.

Anyway, things are worse now. We talk very little, and haven't been intimate in years. The lack of sex doesn't really bother me. I absolutely CAN NOT stand the thought of being touched, let alone being touched sexually.
But I do miss the closeness we had.
Then there are the times I think it would be better if I just left him, and lived alone. That way, I could just be alone with my miserable self.
Still, I wish for those days before I was raped. They were happy times.
I don't know if I can ever give him my body, my mind, or my heart again, with true love for him.
It makes me want to cry.

Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.