I don't understand how sometimes I can just totally go numb and feel nothing when I have flashbacks.
Then there are days like today.
I had a really bad day of flashbacks and memories. I've been a total wreck.
I haven't been able to eat, and when I tried to lay down and sleep, all I could do was see his face, hear his breathing, listen over and over to the words he said to me.
I took three of my pills for anxiety over the course of the day, just to keep me from jumping out of my skin.
I tried to shower, hoping to wash some of that filth off of me, that I sometimes feel when I have flashbacks.
Nothing has helped.
I guess my body just finally adjusted to my anxiety, because in a way, I feel numb even though I still feeling like crawling out of my skin.
Now I sit here, watching my daughter put our Christmas tree up, with no excitement or joy.
I just wish I didn't feel so lousy.