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Am I being selfish?

Posted by missophelia , 06 December 2009 · 35 views

I hate Christmas time.
The crowds, which I'm having a horrible time with.
The expectations to give gifts to some I hardly see throughout the year.
It's like this pressure I don't need, on top of trying to manage all of my feelings, my PTSD, my nightmares and flashbacks.

So, anyway, I have created some paintings for those closest to me, like my mom, my husband's parents. I enjoy being able to give something I made as gifts.
The problem is my ass of a father. The man seems to have no feelings. He is so emotionally detached, so into himself. He rarely calls me, and when I call him or see him, he has little to say and acts like I'm wasting his time. He's been like that for years--it's nothing new.
Still, I have never had a real father daughter relationship, and I can say that it hurts.

I have this pastel landscape that I finished a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to have it framed and give it to him for Christmas. But somewhere inside of myself, I don't want to. To me, giving gifts should be more about the actual relationship I have with someone, instead of giving a gift just because I HAVE TO.
A big part of me doesn't want to give it to him. Another part of me argues the fact that he is so much like a stranger, why would I want to give it to him? Then there is the part that tells me I should because he's my father.

I guess I'm just rambling now, but I keep thinking, don't give it to him, then saying to myself, you're so selfish.
I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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