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It's been twenty years. Twenty years of hiding my emotions. Twenty years of fighting the feelings I have of being worthless, dirty, disgusting. Twenty years of pushing the memories away, trying to feel good, normal, happy. Trying to convince myself that it didn't happen. I guess I tried to lock the rapes and all of my feelings away in some little box in a dark corner. I guess I was successful, to a degree.
Over the past twenty years I raised my daughter. My marriage was good. I worked several jobs and performed them well. I've even been successfully self employed. I had a social life, with friends. I went to parties. I did things for the people in my life that needed me. I laughed, had fun, enjoyed life. I was physically healthy.
Now I can't go out after dark, or into crowds. I feel dirty, disgusted with myself. Flashbacks and nightmares bring everything rushing back, and sometimes it's all I can do to focus on anything other than the rapes, or him.
I have no close friends. Any friends I had at previous jobs got too busy with their own lives and we lost touch.
My marriage has suffered through this past year. I hope to be able to stay married, but I can't even bear the thought of him touching me, let alone being intimate with him.
My physical health has nose dived, and I've spent alot of the past year seeing doctors to deal with my ongoing stomach pains.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just wishing that I could be that happy person again.
I wish I could feel really, truly, good about myself, for once in my life.
Over the past twenty years I raised my daughter. My marriage was good. I worked several jobs and performed them well. I've even been successfully self employed. I had a social life, with friends. I went to parties. I did things for the people in my life that needed me. I laughed, had fun, enjoyed life. I was physically healthy.
Now I can't go out after dark, or into crowds. I feel dirty, disgusted with myself. Flashbacks and nightmares bring everything rushing back, and sometimes it's all I can do to focus on anything other than the rapes, or him.
I have no close friends. Any friends I had at previous jobs got too busy with their own lives and we lost touch.
My marriage has suffered through this past year. I hope to be able to stay married, but I can't even bear the thought of him touching me, let alone being intimate with him.
My physical health has nose dived, and I've spent alot of the past year seeing doctors to deal with my ongoing stomach pains.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'm just wishing that I could be that happy person again.
I wish I could feel really, truly, good about myself, for once in my life.
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This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.
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Blog Warning
This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.
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