My day of therapy
It was hard for me to talk to Dr. H about being triggered. It's hard for me to talk to her about anything other than the surface stuff in my life, but I force myself to. She was proud of me for getting out of bed and making it to my appointment, which made me feel good. Then she asked me how I dealt with all of my feelings from last night. I told her what I did--take my pills and go to bed. Then I told her I feel like a lame-ass.
I know she hates it when I put myself down, but sometimes I do feel pretty lame--I can't work, I can't see a cop in uniform without falling apart, most of the time I can't complete my shopping without rushing away from the crowds and going home empty handed. And that's just a start to the list of things I can't do, all because of him. Have I mentioned how much I hate him?
Anyway, yeah, I feel like a lame-ass. Yeah, it's unfair of me to be so hard on myself. I really try not to, but I've been so hard on myself for so long, I guess I need to un-learn that habit.
Anyway, my session with Dr. H went OK. Again, for the I don't know how many times, we talked about positive ways I can handle myself when I am triggered. Then Dr. H again told me how proud she was of me, because I've come a long way since last year, and because I keep coming to my appointments even though she knows how hard it is for me.
But I realized today it all boils down to one thing--I'm determined to not let him ruin the rest of my life.