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What was I thinking?

Posted by missophelia , 22 November 2009 · 85 views

I wonder. On a whim I decided to go to my grandmother's for an early dinner. It didn't take long for me to remember why I rarely go to her house for dinner. It didn't take long for me to leave.

My father, who is so self absorbed but otherwise emotionally cold hardly had anything to say to me. Of course, he had plenty to say to my brother, who is a vet with PTSD and all of his own shit to deal with. So I sat and listened to them go at it.

Then there's my aunt, who rarely has anything positive to say about anything, and my uncle.
I didn't plan on seeing him today, cause he usually stays home. I hate him. He's sick with cancer, which is fine with me, considering what he did to me when I was younger. I haven't even begun to deal with that with Dr. H.

Besides all of them, my brother's wife, and my cousin and her kids, who all act like nothing is wrong with my family, like everything is just as normal as can be.

And I just sit there, screaming inside.

I guess I don't have to worry about being so emotionally numb now. Now I feel like I've been rubbed raw and salt rubbed into my wounds. I don't know why I went. I don't know what made me think things would be different today. I feel like an idiot for even thinking I would have a good time. I don't know why I thought I would enjoy myself instead of hating every bit of the time I was there.

I don't know which was worse, being ignored by my dad, or seeing my uncle. I'd like to think that by now I'd be used to all the feelings from both situations. Yeah, right.

The meds only help so much, and there really isn't anyone in my life that I can vent to, other than Dr. H. Now I just feel miserable and isolated.



Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

June 2016

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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