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anniversaries, memories, and triggers...

Posted by missophelia , 31 August 2013 · 55 views

The two nights I was raped by the man in the Navy, both of those nights, he was wearing sweats. Sweat pants, and sweats top. Both of those nights, he smelled. A mixture of musk cologne and sweat. It was gross.

But, it was dark out, night time. Both times.

Every other time I saw him, he was in uniform.

He was a senior chief petty officer. Rank...


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trying to write it out...

Posted by missophelia , 29 August 2013 · 41 views

In the end, it all came down to the same thing. He was a man, much like every other man I had ever known, much like every other man I had ever let into my life. There was nothing that set him apart. There was no special spark from within him. Not anymore. To say I was disappointed, that is the least of it. I felt let down, like all of my past lives...


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road block...

Posted by missophelia , 28 August 2013 · 57 views

Not feeling much better at all. Emotionally. Still really depressed, and wondering why I'm even bothering writing. I'm in a very negative space. And I'm still pissed.

I have several health issues going on right now. I tried to call earlier to make an appointment with my primary care doc. She will be gone until the beginning of November....


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pretty depressed....

Posted by missophelia , 27 August 2013 · 42 views

I'm feeling pretty depressed tonight.

Dr K tries to be encouraging. She is really trying to help me.

But I just don't think I'm ever going to get better.

Part of me doesn't want to go on. Part of me wants to SI right now, so badly.

Not feeling much hope tonight.


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pissed....

Posted by missophelia , 25 August 2013 · 71 views

Tonight, I am pissed. I have been angry for quite some time. I don't have a good handle on my anger. Lately, I have tended to SI out of anger, quite frequently, in fact.

Something has happened within this past week that has sparked my anger. Among other things it has sparked. But tonight, I am struggling with my anger.

I have used the same laun...


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struggling...

Posted by missophelia , 23 August 2013 · 82 views

tonight, I am struggling

I so want to give in to my urges to SI...


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that night...

Posted by missophelia , 21 August 2013 · 72 views

I may not be able to write tomorrow. I may not be able to do much.

I'm not trying to project, or forecast how I will feel when tomorrow actually arrives, but today has not been good.

It's like this flood of memories, like a tape playing over and over.

That night. Tomorrow night.

24 years ago tomorrow night is the night that the man in the...


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homework...

Posted by missophelia , 20 August 2013 · 39 views

From the mind of a self injurer, to my therapist...

It was very hard putting my tool away. I know that must sound awfully strange to you. I feel like I have some kind of weird relationship with it. But to me, it feels like a friend. And, even if I am not using it, just having it there, next to me, or near me, helps me to feel ok, because itís like ha...


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art...

Posted by missophelia , 18 August 2013 · 66 views

Not many words tonight. Included is a pic of one of my latest drawings. Click on the pic to see larger.



Sometimes, the best road
is the one you make.

Thanks for looking, and have a great night everyone.


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ok...

Posted by missophelia , 15 August 2013 · 43 views

Over the course of having to deal with getting a new car, and with having my father help me, there's something I've been thinking.

That maybe it is ok to have him help me. Although, I still don't want it to be.

But he has been very gracious, and a huge help to me. And I don't mean only monetarily. For all we have been through over t...






Blog Warning

This is a blog of my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, all raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of your self.

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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    0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

    Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.