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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

Update-I Feel Wonderful

27 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I did it. I went, and I had lots of fun. And it really wasn't as bad as my anxiety led me to believe.

It was nice to see everyone I know from when I used to work at M's business. The dinner was delicious, and H, an older man who cares for M's mother, told a few really funny jokes. There was lots of laughter and a good time.

My...
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I'm Nervous

27 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I usually don’t blog this early in the day, but I’m nervous about something. I thought writing it down would help.

This morning this guy, M, stopped by my house. I used to clean M’s house and business. I cleaned for him for almost 5 years. I also know most of his other employees.

I invited him in, and we sat and had coffee. A was home, so...
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Baby Step

26 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I took a baby step today. Surprisingly, it felt good.

D had a big problem with his truck, and he was waiting for our mechanic to let him know what kind of work it needs. The news is bad. He threw a rod. Which means the engine is gone.

His options are to spend $2,200 on a used engine, which carries no guarantee or warranty, or to sell it...
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Too Hard On Myself

25 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I am too hard on myself.

Lately I’ve heard that a lot. Mostly from Dr H. But also from someone else, a good friend. It’s hard for me to admit, but they are both right.

I don’t know why I’m always so hard on myself. It’s like I never give myself a break. I never allow myself anything I would allow for someone else. Like understanding,...
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Assertiveness

24 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I am not assertive. I probably couldn’t assert myself to save my life. Just the thought of it makes me anxious.

One of the biggest problems I have with my mother is being able to stick up for myself. When she starts berating me, I’m more like a dog with its tail between its legs. I feel like a weakling to admit that I’d rather run and hide,...
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Unnerving

23 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Today has been unnerving.

I went in for an abdominal cat scan today. I had to drink what seemed like a ton of contrast, which left me feeling bloated and with a bad taste in my mouth.

A went with me. I guess just to keep me company, and be there for me. I was already nervous enough about it. After I checked in and filled out paperwork, I...
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How I React

22 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
I had a good session with Dr H today. We spent most of the time talking about my mother, my anger and anxiety, and how I react to her.

I told Dr H about what’s gone on this week. Between her trying to blame A for D’s drinking, to telling me we were going to the drum circle, and how all of that has affected my stomach. And the anxiety I’m...
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Vulnerable

21 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
The day went ok. I managed to get the laundry done. Everything went fine until I went to pick it up when it was done. I go early in the morning, when there’s no one around so I don’t have to wait for a machine. Usually no one’s there at all. But this morning, there were lots of people in the laundromat, and I couldn’t wait to get out of...
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Out of Sorts Again

20 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
It hasn’t been a wonderful day.

My stomach has gotten really bad again. I saw the doctor yesterday. Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be having all sorts of tests. Again. I told him I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. If I had to guess, I’d say that’s what’s causing my pain.

I’ve been tested so many times over the past 2...
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My Silence

19 March 2010
Posted by missophelia  
Since I started therapy, my nightmares have changed. I still have the ones that are like a replay of being raped. But I’m having different ones, too.

I had one of those last night.

In my nightmare, he was standing over me, behind the building. I was on the ground. Even though he wasn’t holding me down, I couldn’t move. All I could do was...
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bellachai, jmsclayton, Lucchia and 2 others like this

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