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A conversation with myself

Posted by Carleen , 27 March 2010 · 24 views

I just wrote this in my journal and thought I would put it here.

I have been listening to this song for about a year and it always touched me. I could never work out why. Tonight I think I have. It is like a conversation with myself. Me now and Me then. Me now is in black and me then in red.

Forgiven (Within Temptation)

Couldn't save you from the...


Answers, hard work and an ending I dread

Posted by Carleen , 24 March 2010 · 26 views

I saw my T today. I really like and respect her. Her support has been unconditional. From the first time I saw her she has talked about the need to connect with the feelings, the emotions, that go with the traumas I have had in my life, specifically the abuse by my ex. Today I was explaining how the memories don't seem to be there anymore. Like, I sti...



Posted by Carleen , 21 March 2010 · 24 views

Tomorrow I get to do my first real student thing, besides all the study at home. Tomorrow I am going to a workshop on Dv and SA run by Ricky Hunter. I am looking forward to it. But I am also a little aprhensive. This will be the first time I have listened to someone speak about their experience (which I assume she does, at least a little). I am not sure i...


Memories and other bits and pieces

Posted by Carleen , 20 March 2010 · 34 views

When I first got out my marriage the memories were overwhelming. They were there almost all day, every day. To call them intrusive is an understatement. Slowly but surely they have tapered off. Now they are not there at all. My therapist calls it compartmentalisation. I call it scary. Don't get me wrong. I am glad not to have them running through my h...


Maybe I just deserve to hurt

Posted by Carleen , 02 March 2010 · 30 views

Nothing is going right at the moment. My life sucks big time. Any time anything goes my way it is immediately outweighed by the crap that just keeps coming. Maybe it is what I deserve. Maybe it is my payback for throwing away my marriage. Maybe I am just a miserable bitch who is finally getting what she really deserves out of life.

I really hate my life...


Sometimes doing the right thing is the wrong thing to do

Posted by Carleen , 05 February 2010 · 27 views

I did the right things. I got help for myself, I tried to protect my kids by staying silent during the abuse, I talked to friends, my therapist, the DV service. When I was able to I got out. Funny, it now seems that all but the last were the wrong things to do.

Talking to my T today about stuff that happened earlier in the week, she came to the realisati...


Pros and Cons

Posted by Carleen , 29 January 2010 · 25 views

I am just trying to clarify a few things in my head so that when it comes time to argue this with people I with be a bit more clear.

I am looking at changing uni courses next year. It is too late to do it for this year. There are a few problems involed in this, not leastof which is that I will have to convince my ex to let me move the kids some 600kms a...



Posted by Carleen , 26 January 2010 · 28 views

This is just me trying to explain how I coped with the abuse, the way I escaped in my head.

* * * * * * * * *

On a regular night whatever was on TV was enough. Often it was his DVDs of MASH but sometimes it was just the TV. On those nights it wasn't too bad. The TV was my world. I felt saw and heard nothing else. Not his breath in my ear as he spoo...


Title - can't think of one.

Posted by Carleen , 25 January 2010 · 23 views

I wish I could make people understand the life I escaped from. Maybe then they would see the world differently, see me differently. More importantly I wish I could explain it to myself. Then I might have some compassion for the Carleen who tried so hard and feels like a failure.

My marriage was violent. I can say that but I can't feel it. I can ackn...


January 17 1998

Posted by Carleen , 16 January 2010 · 24 views

Today should have been my 12th wedding anniversary. Should have been. Somehow, despite the hell our marriage disintergrated into, I can't not think of it today. It was such a long time ago. But not all of it was bad. I have my kids. I am who I am because of what happened. My friends, the professionals I have come into contact with, my friends here.......

July 2016

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