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The anxiety is back again too. Only now it seems so damn pointless. Silly things, little things, send me over the top. This house has a front patio. At one end is a built in planter box. It is about 1 metre high from the patio side but a bit over 2 on the ground side. It is brick and probably 1 metre square. Anyway, today Gabby climbed onto it as practice for when we finally plant something in it. I freaked out. I was terrified that she was going to get hurt. My fear infected her and she freaked out. Needless to say she got down safely, and I apologised for scaring her, but it was just so bloody stupid. I would have to say I came close to having a panic attack.
One thing that is really new is me avoiding pretty much everything that might be even slightly related to what happened to me. I can't bring myself to read much in the way of posts, or to respond. I know that it isn't a requirement of membership here but I would like to think I have something to offer others. But right now I just don't know where it is. And general rape/abuse/trauma reading (books, articles, etc) is out. I start and within a minute or two I have to put it down. That has never happened before.
I wish I was seeing my T at the moment. I ran out of free sessions and she wanted me to give it a couple of months to see how I coped. I know I could ring her but I just don't know if all this is enough to justify doing that. Strangely enough I even had a dream where she told me to talk to her but I don't know if that is because I need to or because she was such a support in my life for 18 months or so that I automatically want to reach for that support when things get a little bit rough.
I don't know what to do and all this seems so stupid. I have tried posting about stuff in the forums but it just doesn't come out right. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I knew where to turn to for help.
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About my blog
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.