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The night was an 80s night fundraiser for my friends Hazel and Paul. Paul has terminal brain cancer. They have two little kids. I don't know how long they are saying he has left but I am pretty sure he is on borrowed time. I feel really selfish worrying about my feelings about it all but I have to be honest with myself about it. I am struggling with watching them. As much as it is an over-used expression, they are being so strong, in public at least. They are trying to build memories now while they still can. I guess, and this sounds so selfish and petty, I feel jealous. I watch them, I see how friends are supporting them, and the love they have for each other. I do not envy them their situation. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for them. But I just wish I had even a little of what they have. Like I said, selfish and petty.
The night was hard, especially at the start. I was there on my own. I knew a lot of the people and am friendly with them but I felt really isolated. And it felt like everyone could see that I was alone and that they felt it was a bad thing. I know I am reading things into it that probably weren't there. Mostly I guess I just really felt it myself. Like maybe this is what I deserve, always to be alone and on the edges of things. Anyway, I struggled with the anxiety for the first hour or so. Once the night really got going I was able to relax a little but I still didn't feel like I belonged.
I videoed the night for Hazel and Paul. Not all of it, obviously. There is only so much 80s music and people dancing or waving that I could handle. There were some special moments. Hazel's speech at the start of the night, thanking everyone. Paul dancing with his sisters. The most special thing was Paul and Hazel dancing to their wedding song. They didn't actually get to dance to it at their wedding for various reasons. The dancefloor was cleared for them and their song was played. It was heartbreaking to watch. Hazel was in tears. I felt like such an intruder filming it. Like....I don't know. It just seemed such a personal moment and I had a camera going. But it is what Hazel wanted. I nearly turned the camera off a number of times but I made myself remember that it wasn't about me. It was about them.
My aim with the stuff I filmed is to put together a dvd for Hazel to have to remember the night. Things are going to get a lot harder for her. Hopefully this will help a little. Hopefully she will also share it with Paul's family (there is some animosity) so that they too can have those memories in the future. I know how good things can fade when bad times come.
* * * *
So, to my feelings....
There was so much fear and anxiety at the start of the night. The urge to just flee was huge. But I stuck it out and I am proud of myslf for doing that. I had talked to my T about my fears about the night - the feeling alone and like I didn't belong. And those feelings were there. But I was able to find a couple of people to talk to when I wasn't filming. I kow the dj that was there from various school discos and he worked at the day care centre my kids attended many years ago. He is a really nice guy. I spent a bit of time talking to him. And I also spent time with a friend I haven't seen much of for awhile. She and another friend of mine had a huge falling out and I have tried to stay friends with both but it is hard. I just don't want to get caught in the middle of their crap.
The jealousy I felt for what Paul and Hazel have isn't a new feeling. I get it when I see my friends with their partners when the care and respect between them is obvious. I just feel really ripped off that I never had that. And that hurts a lot more than I like to admit. I know that no relationship is perfect and that people have differences of opinion. But For me in my marriage there was just no care or respect. I wasn't a person to him. I was a housekeeper and whore. Anything else was beyond his comprehension, I think.
The strangest thing of the night for me....I think the dj was flirting a little. I am probably reading far too much into it. But we were chatting, he looked for songs and bits of music, some of them quite obscure, for me. And when the raffle was being drawn he had little bits of music playing - old tv show themes mostly, and he kept lookin over at me for my reaction, smiling if I laughed. It probably wasn't flirting. He was probably just eing nice. And it was nice. I was comfortable and relaxed and he made me laugh and smile. It has been a very long time since any man has done that. In fact, I can't think of a time it has happened before. Anyway, it was nice and a little confusing. But I don't think I am going to try and analyse it too much. Maybe it is time to just accept it for what it was and the fact that it made me feel good.
This has gotten to be very long. Thanks if you have managed to read it all.
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About my blog
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.