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I thought that that book was a blueprint. I have always looked for the way things are meant to be, how I am meant to be. I never trusted myself so I looked elsewhere. I still do in so many ways. I wish for someone to tell me how to do it, how to live, how to be a good person. How to be a person that will be liked and accepted. Because who I am...well, it just isn't enough.
I wanted so much to believe that the way it was in Puberty Blues was how I was supposed act. And when I couldn't I hated myself. I look back now in amazement that I wanted that sort of life. And I also see that in many ways I did have it, but as an adult. I believed that sex was something you had to give to be like by boys. I believed that if you didn't do what they wanted, what they saw as right then you were just nothing, worthless. What a fucked up way of looking at the world!
At 40 I can see that it was fucked. But I have a sister who did live that life. The perfect sister with the constant flow of boyfriends. And there was me, fat, smart, opinionated. I never shut up. I acted like I knew everything but felt like I knew nothing. Why is it that I still feel that I was the one who was fucked up.
I am sick of not knowing who I am and what I am supposed to do. I wish there was some sort of plan that I could follow. But there isn't and I am still wandering around, lost, scared and ultimately alone.
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About my blog
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.