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Posted by ForeverSmiling , 01 August 2015 · 100 views

TW for SI

I feel defective. It's been several years since I last SI'd. But I still don't trust myself around certain objects. Things that no one else would take a second look at make me pause and remember and think about how easy it would be...

How easy it would be to use XYZ. How no one would have to know.

It's much more painful to just walk away.




Posted by ForeverSmiling , 30 August 2014 · 97 views

My heart is pounding. It is suddenly so heavy, I am sure it will fall out soon. Sink somewhere so deep I can no longer find it.

I am shaken. I see your pain before me, and I cower. I try to touch it, but can only hide. I remember it so well.

Pain. Scars. Blood. Tears. Shame.

I never want to not care again.


Sometimes, I am me.

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 25 March 2014 · 93 views

Sometimes, I am insecure.
Sometimes, I feel like I can't do anything right.
Sometimes, I get stuck inside my own head and struggle to find my way out.
Sometimes, I can't erase the feel on my skin.
Sometimes, I just want to cry for hours.

But sometimes, I laugh.
Sometimes, I feel safe in my own skin.
Sometimes, I don't think about him at all.


So much hurt in this world...

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 21 March 2014 · 100 views

Sorry. I've just been triggered pretty badly today and it's thrown me for a loop. Stumbled upon a forum full of kids talking about their experiences with depression, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, addictions, etc. I hate that there is so much pain in this world. I hate that there are so many young people struggling every day wih such seri...


I am finally meeting myself

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 14 September 2013 · 173 views

I know this sounds crazy (and it probably is) but it occured to me today that I am finally, for the first time in 22 years, meeting myself. The real me. The safe me. The normal, healthy me. The me who isn't depressed, isn't weighted down with all the world's secrets.

I am finally myself now. I like to laugh. I have passions and hobbies and o...


A letter to me

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 02 September 2013 · 133 views

I am sorry. I cannot help you. I cannot touch you or feel you or speak to you. You will have to find your own way. There are no magical words. No shortcuts. No fast forwards. There is only a lot of ugly pain. Lonely nights. Lonely days. Hurtful words. Hurtful actions. You will be crushed until you think it's all over. And then things will get much wor...


Dear Abuser

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 16 August 2013 · 180 views

Dear Abuser,
I don't remember the first time I met you. I was young. Perhaps you remember though. Did you always fantasize about me? I've always been known for being naive, but that was no excuse to take advantage of me. I used to love seeing you. I really did. I loved how you always gave me hugs and bragged about me to your friends. I loved that...


What He Couldn't See

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 06 August 2013 · 121 views

He could see right through me, sitting silently in class.
He never said a word, but we both knew it was true.
He could see the pain in my eyes.
But he didn't know what to say.
And I could only look away.

For three years, we sat silently.
It hurts me now to remember.
Because I can still see the sadness he wore.

I wish I could see him again.
Tell him...


Things I Remember

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 29 July 2013 · 106 views

Trigger warning, for violence...

My siblings going to live with our aunt and uncle for a year or two.
My mom crying.
Me being jealous, at age 8.
My mom saying "I don't care, you go too. All of you can leave."
More crying.

My dad standing in the doorway, barking orders on how to clean.
Smacking us on the back of the legs with his cane when we...


Life as a book

Posted by ForeverSmiling , 25 October 2009 · 84 views

I wish life was a book. That way, you could peek at the end to see how everything works out. You could skip the parts you don't like. You could go back and reread the parts you don't remember so well. You could relive all the good moments over and over again.

I want so badly to know how my "book" concludes sometimes. But then I remember t...

July 2016

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