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this is harder than I thought

Posted by Zelda , 27 October 2010 · 35 views

I have been off work, I took the time off willy nilly, just because it is there. I am getting rest. Rest I didn't know I needed. I was experiencing myself for small seconds. I have been aware. I smile myself to sleep thinking I am safe now, nobody to hurt me. I have done things with awareness of myself and felt powerful.

Today I feel completely insa...


violent images

Posted by Zelda , 26 October 2010 · 27 views

Jessica Stern's book "Denial"

She writes in honest detail the violent images that come to her mind, what she would do to the psychiatrist that sumises her attacker as not sexually dangerous.

She does this unabashedly.


it's okay to feel

Posted by Zelda , 25 October 2010 · 60 views

I haven't blogged in a while, nothing to say but some things have happened. I am in awe of everyone here and the support means a ton. so thanks

the title is a plea, for myself to myself. to experience myself is to experience horror.


im in trouble

Posted by Zelda , 17 October 2010 · 71 views

I am not making it, I can't do it anymore. I need help.


do the right thing

Posted by Zelda , 16 October 2010 · 48 views

I don't want to be considerate.

I don't want to be obligated to do.

I don't want to feel guilt

I don't want to be fair or just or equitable.

I don't want to be reasonable.

If you screw me, then fuck you.

I will not suffer fools



Posted by Zelda , 16 October 2010 · 40 views

feeling over the top dead weight. I did have a little breakthrough where I was feeling a well lifting of some heavy veil but I want my spark back, even if it was neurotic spark was better than nothing.


arc angels

Posted by Zelda , 13 October 2010 · 40 views

I thank the universe for my therapist. Last time I brought up a stupid idea I have and asked her if she too thought it was a stupid idea. HMR. The guided imagery thing. Her response was the look I know by now, and I excused her from answering beyond that look for which she thanked me.

I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. So what if it'...


no idea

Posted by Zelda , 12 October 2010 · 40 views

I am completely clueless.

And happy to stay that way.

I had a dream last night of falling through a chute. I knew about the chute it was in an old house. The house was full of antiques but they were contemporary to the time of the dream but there was dust on everything. I saw a child's doll. I voluntarily took the plunge and while falling and...


work work work

Posted by Zelda , 10 October 2010 · 32 views

the yoga instructor calls out that command during the brutal 12 minutes of whatever repetition we happen to be doing, it always helps , I push through what I never imagine I could do. That this voice of encouragement could be so powerful...


decision day

Posted by Zelda , 10 October 2010 · 43 views

Not long after I woke up today I made a decision about group therapy. And it is not contigent on anything or anyone else. Feels powerful. I made another decision too. I have suffered PTSD all my life. duh. But the thing is, I am aware of it now. I don't have any memories, but I can tackle, at least try to take on the PTSD. At least have a focus now...

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