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Posted by Zelda , 20 March 2014 · 143 views

A coworker left her job and I needed to have access to a program so she left me her sign in and password
Her password was Lovinlife1
I read that and scoffed inside.
That someone could pull that out - in relation to this mundane program at our mundane place of work.
But  I kept thinking of it -  gradually kept repeating it to myself.
Shocking how I could feel. how much that phrase..
it  didn't fit in my head or go with my  body.
Recently I was making love, and the man said I had pushed him out.  
I felt it too.
My body did it  - not me, it acted on it's own accord. 
It hit me the strength of this force - the negative turning away from life, is well such a huge force without
my really being aware.
- Lovinlife,
Now   I wake up and think it,  say it.   And still  feel it clash with everything but do it anyway.
I breathe, stretch my lungs with big inhale and say..Lovinlife.
I want to be the person who uses that has a password.       

Ugh I feel the same clash. I think that sounds like a good goal to me. 

we can get there, you know?  Hi Chel

i get it. sometimes it feels like the real me wants to be lovinlife and then the force that drives me does everything in its power to destroy that. And it is a constant fight to not inadvertenly destroy myself.

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