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and my stupid, idiotic self
Still, the doubt of my memories. The flashback I had of someone molesting me when I was a child, was it my father or someone else? How can I even have that question in my mind !!!!!????? sick, sick, sick
The guilt of two things, either the guilt of thinking my father is a child molester when he is not, and having anger towards him because of this; or the guilt of him being a child molester, me still wanting a relationship with him, and being the doting, loving daughter in his time of need.
The questions: I have seen in the past few months something from my sister that I have never seen before pertaining to my dad. She has said something to me that has made me wonder. Not to mention, in the hospital him once again asking me to come sit on his lap, and the response I had inside, same response my sister had when he touched her shoulders I would think. Creeping us out, is this a sign that I should not doubt my memories, though I do not remember or see the face of the abuser in my head, in my memories. I smell, the cigarettes on the fingers of the abuser, my dad smokes, but then again so did the guy that hurt me when I was 12.
So, with my dad's wife being sick, in & out of the hospital, on death's door for weeks, and than dying. My sister and I have been spending a lot of time with my father (more than we have in a long time). See my father is 70 years old, cannot hear, and has no clue as to what doctors are saying half the time about his wife, he cannot see well to drive, refuses to cook for himself and clean. My step-mom was in different hospitals in large cities at different times. She was also not mobile.Hence, my sister and I spending so much time with my dad. He is going through a very rough time right now, and he is very appreciative of all the help that he has gotten from us. The angry, violent, and scary man is no longer there.
In doing so, I have seen my father walk by my sister and rub her shoulders, or get a hug from her. Every time my sister has given me this look, and shook afterwards as if shaking off after finding a bug crawling on her. She has also told me that she cannot stand for my dad to touch her, she knows that he needs a hug, and she gives him one, but can't stand it. So, making me wonder once again is it because he did sexually abuse not only me, but my sisters also?? Or maybe it was because he beat the crap out of her so many times when we were younger.
Then, my step mother dies on Monday, and here I am not feeling emotion that I should feel when someone dies. If I see her sisters crying, or my father than I cry, but that is due to me feeling so sorry for them, did I feel anything personally??? No, when I should have. Very detached, walls up, emotionless, just thinking in my head, sad but that is life. Am I a cold-hearted person, gosh how could I not feel anything watching someone die?? Something is wrong here.
Then, feeling as though I should be there 100% for my dad. Even though I may have doubt about the sexual abuse, there is no doubt about the physical and emotional abuse, and just the cruelty that was once him. Still, feeling bad for him I told him that I would be calling him to come over and eat, offering to buy his groceries for him, and clean his house. Than, because my sister feeling that I should not have it all on my shoulders, offering to have him over for dinner at her home also, though she can't stand it. What the hell is wrong with me?? I am an idiot, why would I invite him over to my home, and offer to do so much for him when I have truly thought at one time that he sexually abused me, how could I after I saw him beating my sisters?? I am an idiot. I don't know if what I am doing is right or not.
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The Kelsey Briggs Story
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~In Memory of Kelsey Briggs