Once again took a long break
I am finding that I am having more of a problem with skin picking, it seems to be getting worse, but then again I am not thinking of my childhood or any trauma that I went through in the past near as much anymore. I still do, but now it is in more of reflection of how I wished to God that someone would have noticed, anyone. I wish that I would have been stronger and knew the difference between what was right and wrong when it comes to personal boundaries; that I just didn't understand I had back then. I wish that I was stronger like I am now, and would have stood up for myself. I realize that I truly felt invisible, never took charge of my life, I was just there, life happened to me, and I just went along with it whether it was good for me or not. I think that I was just trying to find a safe place, and it didn't really happen until I got married. And then I just became stuck in this life, not realizing that life could be so much more that it ever has been for me, and probably ever will be. But this is it.
I find myself becoming more and more negative about the world in general, wondering what the point is of even trying except for my children. That's it for me, that is my reason. I could very easily see myself holing up in this house, leaving the real world and living in my countless books, and isolating myself from everyone. Unless I feel as though it is a must in order not to hurt others feelings, like holidays and such. I just don't want that to become my children's world. I am afraid that it is, but I can't tell whether I am doing what is best for them or not. I feel as though I am, but then there is another part of me wondering if I am parenting as I do because of what happened to me when I was younger. I don't have anyone to answer that question either. I just guess I will continue trying to do what is best for my children, and hoping that it is what is best for my children.