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Really, I don't think of my childhood very much. I mean there will be reminders throughout the day. There are many triggers at my job, I work with children, and many that I deal with come from dysfunctional and abusive homes. All the news stories that will come up on a daily basis, and sometimes the stories on the different television shows I watch will trigger it again, but is not near as bad as it used to be. Now when I am reminded of my childhood, it is a thought, feeling, memory, or a reminder of a feeling that briefly goes through my mind, and it is gone as soon as it appears. It does not linger as it used to, keep me up at night, and something that keeps me lost in my mind like it used to.
I have those bad periods, where I can't seem to get things off my mind, but those times are coming less and less between the good periods. And during those bad times, it is not the memories that bother me, I don't think of those hardly ever anymore, it is more the reality of what happened that bothers me. This is a lot more easier than dealing with the actual memories. As far as I am concerned, I am going to try not to think of actual incidents ever again. It seems the less I think of it, or remember the more faded it all gets, which is fine by me. I think that the loneliness I feel sometimes bothers me the most.
I know Pandys is great, I love what Pandys has done for me. I know that there are thousands and thousands of fellow survivors out there. It used to comfort me a great deal, Pandys has helped me through the darkest of times. Still for me, now I am to a point that I long for something more personal. I feel stupid sometimes that there is this whole other place out there that knows my darkest and deepest secrets, along with literal strangers that may come across my blog, and then there are the people that I see on a daily basis that know nothing. Guess, that is the best thing about Pandys for me, that is why it is so easy for me, Pandys is the place I go when I am hurting, when things are bad. Pandys is my safe place, and I only come here now when I am hurting. Nevertheless, pandys is a faceless community out there of people that I will never meet in person. I feel as though I have had some close personal relationships here, and I feel very fondly for those people. The fact that I will never meet those people also gives me comfort and makes me feel more safe about them knowing everything. They can't hurt me. Still, because of that I feel alone, and that is what bothers me the most I think.
I am alone in my feelings, I am alone in those really bad times in my life, when I get pulled back into that abyss. I am alone when I am there, and I hate it; yet the fact that I am alone also gives me comfort. It is a catch22. I don't want people to know, it would cause a lot more problems if people knew, it would turn my life upside down. The one person that knows a few things that happened is my husband, yet he never really had a reaction, or brings it up. I tried to talk to him about it, and did not get good results. My husband is not someone that can be there for me, or would, and he is the only one that I would want to be there for me. I think that as lonely and sad as it makes me feel that there is no one there for me when it comes to this shit, I think that I would rather it be that way. I would rather deal with it on my own, I hate relying on anyone but myself, and I refuse to. So here we go, guess I resolved my own issue. Yes, it makes me sad that I don't have anyone there, but more so, it gives me comfort and makes me feel safe. So guess I will always be there.
Which, is why it sucks so bad. I really wish that I could have someone that loves me there when I am hurting, someone that I could trust. I wish that I would allow that, but I can't. I hope that this is not what brings me down in the future. I have the depressive states I get into, and it is difficult when it happens, but I can eventually pull myself out of it, or it passes. What if one day, I will not be able to pull myself out of it. I think that life sometimes forces me out of that state, my children, being there for them, and doing what I need to for them makes me pull myself out of those bad times. I have to, as mother I have to be there. So what happens when my kids are not my reason anymore, they have their own lives to lead, and no longer need me. My husband used to be a reason, but now he isn't even enough. Am I worrying needlessly? Of course that is what I do, worry, but what if? I don't want to ever get in that state, and stay, it would be torture. I guess that is what I fear.
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The Kelsey Briggs Story
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~In Memory of Kelsey Briggs