Pandora's Aquarium: Oh, how I wish that I could feel 'normal' - Pandora's Aquarium

I am driving myself nuts. Most of the time I can live my so called life the way it is and be happy, but then there are those other times. The times when reality slaps me across the face, and I realize how very screwed up I am. Oh, how I wish I could be normal. Of course normal is a relative term, what is normal. Well, normal to me is being able to make the simplest of decisions without second-guessing myself, or triple-guessing myself. Then realizing that it does not matter anyway because I am incapable of making the correct decision, and just knowing that I will have to deal with the consequences, hoping for the best. It is being able to look in the mirror without thinking, "I am ugly, I am fat, I am stupid, wish that I could hide under a rock and never come out." Normal to me is being able to go in public without constantly having an inner dialect of what people are thinking of me, which is of course always negative. I wish that I could feel like I am worth having as a friend, and that I am not something that people just tolerate. I wish that I could go out in public, without dreading it every-time. I wish that I could feel like I actually belong in this life, and stop wishing and praying that God would come and get me already, I hate this life, wish that I didn't feel like such a waste of space. Normal to me is being able to parent my children without thinking that I am not doing a good enough job, and as much as I love them, maybe I shouldn't have had them because what if I screw up their lives. Normal is trusting the outside world with my children, and not being so scared. That is what is normal to me. I am tired of me, I truly am.