Pandora's Aquarium: It's been a long time - Pandora's Aquarium

I stopped therapy, it has been months now. It has been a long time since I came here to Pandys too. I have been trying to avoid things that remind me of the past. I don't think of it too often now, still I am affected by it everyday and I don't think that it will ever change. I am affected by it without even realizing it unless I focus on the problems I have, instead I tend to ignore them. It is disheartening to think of the problems I have, know what the origin of it all is, the whys, but knowing that there is most likely nothing that I can do about it. I don't ever see changes in the way I think, and feel about certain things, though I know that it is not good for me.

I just watched the video on youtube that pandys put together. I read the signs that our members were holding up, and I don't feel any of those. I don't feel deserving of love, I don't feel good about myself, though I know I should, I don't. I feel so lucky to have what I got, and do not feel like I am worth it all. It will never happen. I still always feel ugly, I am always self-conscious. I do not associate with many people because I am afraid that anyone I talk to will find me odd. I stay at my home as much as possible because I do not want to deal with the outside world unless I absolutely have to. I am overprotective of my children. I am 34 and I do not see myself ever changing, I have been through therapy with two different therapists, been at Pandys for years now, and still feel the same. I have come to accept these things about myself and realize that I am not going to be able to do better, and I am trying to be content with that realization. Maybe that in itself is healing, accepting the things that I cannot change. Yet, knowing that I cannot change these things only makes me dislike myself more, makes me fell less worthy.

I don't know what the end of this is supposed to be, will there ever be a point that I can truly accept myself as me, and not look at myself with such contempt, and loathing. What is the end game, what is it supposed to look like. I have certain people that I look up to so much here at Pandys, and I long to be like them, but know that I will never be. What do they feel, do they feel that they have made it through the journey, or are they still traveling down that long road. Do they feel as I do, or can they truly say that they are where they want to be? Will I ever be able to say that?