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I hate to be negative, but it is what I am feeling tonight. It is what feels real to me at this moment. Right now I am not feeling hope, I am not seeing a light at the end of this, all I see is more of the same pain and darkness that I have been feeling. I feel like I am going to fail myself once again.
I don't know who I am, where I am going, or what I want out of life, I am lost. I don't really see the point anyway to try to figure it out because it is no longer just me, I have kids and a husband that I have to think of, and I love them. Still, loving them and trying to be a parent that I never had will keep me from truly finding myself because in all honesty, I am scared of what I will find. I am a mother and a wife, that is what my existence is, and there is nothing else there. Before I had my husband and kids, there was no reason for me to try. All I wanted then was some kind of escape.
I am trying to get better, to heal, for them. I am not even doing it for myself. I wish that I could say I am doing it for me, but I'm not. I am doing it so that I don't screw up their lives somehow. I am trying, but I feel like I am hanging by a thread sometimes. As long as I try to go on, avoiding it all as much as possible it seems okay, life is livable, but as soon as I go there, it feels like it is almost too much of a struggle. When life is good, it is okay, but when it is not, it is pure hell.
The good doesn't last too long, it does not take much to trigger all the shit to start going through my head again. A perfect example is the relationship that I have with my husband, it is the closest relationship I have. There really isn't anyone else out there. I look at us, and I realize that he doesn't really know me, not as well as he thinks. I have all this shit going on, all this inner struggle that is pretty much taking up my life right now, but still no one sees it because I won't allow it and I never will. He has no idea. When I really think about it, I don't think that he would be able to support me even if I did share. I think that he would want to and try, but that he couldn't. He has his own shit from the past that he has never even came close to trying to deal with. I am truly alone in this, and I always will be. I mean I have my t, but there needs to be more. I know that there needs to be more, but because of who I am, again who they made me, there will never be more than I already have.
I have this idea of how I want life to be for me, but I think that it is a fantasy. I think that I am fooling myself. Life is what it is for me. The reality is life sucks. I love my kids and husband, and they are wonderful, they are the best things that have ever happened to me, but that is all I have, there is nothing else. What is sad, is even though I have them, life still sucks. It sucks for me, and I am so scared that it will suck for them too. That is my reason, to keep life from sucking for them. I want them to have a wonderful life, to be happy, to be full of dreams and to feel like the dreams are reachable. I want their lives to be different than mine was.
But for me, I fear that there is too much damage for things to be any different. I am afraid that I am going to continue on a downward spiral until, I have completely lost myself. I am afraid that I am going to become an empty shell just surviving to survive, but not expecting, hoping, or trying for anything better in my life than what I have already had. Going on, making everyone believe that I am fine, and happy, when in all reality, I am gone.
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The Kelsey Briggs Story
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~In Memory of Kelsey Briggs