Pandora's Aquarium: It's 2:00 in the morning - Pandora's Aquarium

It is 2:00 in the morning, and yet here I am again. Boy, I am here a lot, I am not always here typing either, sometimes just reading trying to figure this life out. I think that is why I come here so much, trying to figure it all out and guess what it isn't working. I have all this shit going on in my mind, and can't seem to stop it so I come here. I am trying to get it out of my head and leave it. People that come across my blog probably see all this bullshit that I have wrote, the endless entries and think, "She needs to get a life!" Well, not sure how to go about doing that, and not sure if I want to. I feel like I am completely self-absorbed right now, I am completely lost in my thoughts most of the day, everyday, and I hate it, life is a fog right now, but I can't get out of my head. Days are passing, my kids are getting older, life is going on, and here I am in a fog, lost, wasting time.

I wonder what's normal. In a person's life, a person that hasn't had so much shit happen, a person that isn't as screwed up as I am, I wonder. I have no idea how life is supposed to feel, maybe I am expecting more than I should out of life. Maybe everyone struggles in one way or another, maybe people aren't out there grabbing life by the horns, happy, and energetic about life, looking forward to what is coming next. I am nowhere close to that, but I feel like I should be, maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should stop trying to change things, and just accept everything as it is and know that this is it.

I seriously feel like I am drowning here. The point of my being is this, waking up in the morning, making sure my children are fed and happy, house is clean, laundry is done, and trying very hard to give my children love, confidence, security, and a good life. That is it, that is why I am here, and feel like it is the only reason that I am here, and guess what it is a struggle. Everything that I must do everyday is a struggle, it is a struggle to find the energy to do it. While I am struggling, I am constantly berating myself because I know that I could do better, trying to be happy. Maybe that is how all mothers feel though, maybe that is normal. Maybe I am expecting more than I should.

That is why I am keeping my head above water, that is why I am struggling, for my kids, and it sure is making me tired. I feel like I am in the middle of this massive lake, shoreline is not in site, but I have an idea of the direction it is in. I know that my kids are there waiting for me, my kids and my husband, and I guess everyone else that expects something out of me in one way or another. Well, I have to get there because they need me, and I am trying to get there, but in the meantime there is this invisible force beneath the water that has a hold of me, my ankle, and it is trying to pull me into the depths, and the whole time I am trying to make it to shore, I am fighting it. I wish that I could just let it have me sometimes, I wish I could stop struggling and sink, it is a little inviting at times. But, I know what it would do to the people in my life and cannot allow that to happen, and I know that I am not supposed to feel this way.

I am so tired though. Sometimes, I feel as though I am allowing this shit to bother me too much, that I should just forget about it all, but I can't that's the problem, I can't. I hate that I am relieved at the end of the day because in someway I feel like it was better, I was happy some of the time, I had a genuine smile on my face for some of the day, I only thought of shit maybe 20 times during the day instead of 100 times. What is a good day for me, honestly I don't think is truly a good day. It truly rules my life, it rules it. I feel like I am being an idiot for thinking that it will ever stop ruling it too, for even hoping for it. What the hell is the point, I am so sick of it all, I am sick of it! Why am I even trying, I don't even know where I am going, what I am doing, or what I want, I am just here. There is no reason for my existence, so why am I fighting? I know the answer is so that my kids can have a different life than I did, because my husband needs me, but still.

I mean look at me, I am a complete joke. I am working at this job with all these little ones because I have no desire to deal with adults, why because I cannot relate to anyone, and have no desire to try. There are adults at my job, other teachers, but I don't have to deal with them as much. Of course most of them are women, and in all honesty that is probably another reason that I chose this field because I do not want to deal with any men, just in case. I feel out of place everywhere and with everyone. I am trying to get a degree, going to class on a weekly basis, and I don't even know what the hell I am going to do with it. Those are the only reasons that I leave my home, and therapy. Therapy is about the only thing that I am doing right now that actually appears to have a reason. But then I feel selfish for going to therapy and putting so much energy into it, and then wondering if I am even doing it right.

Then again, the reasons I have are good reasons. My kids are wonderful, they are true blessings, and they are true reasons for struggling, and why I will keep doing it, I just want to do it right. The other thing that is on my mind is the time when my kids no longer need me, when they begin to have their own lives and no longer need me as much. What will happen when my reasons are no longer there, would I give up? Right now, I will keep going on for them, but by the time that they no longer need me, I want the reason to be myself. At some point, I want to like myself enough where I think that I am reason enough to live.