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Anyway the next level that I had was I was being a coward by being scared, which then brings up the anger I have within me about being scared, and I am not sure why I get so pissed at myself when I get scared. I have been thinking on it, and it brings back that vulnerability that I hate so much. When I am scared it makes me vulnerable, when in all reality it shouldn't. In my reality feeling fear for me though, it was not good.
I get this picture in my head of how I feel like I am when I am fearful and of how I want to be. What I see when I think of being scared is the little girl in the corner with her knees up to her chest, frozen. It makes me think of the scene in the movie The Burning Bed with Farrah Fawcett. There is a scene when her husband was beating the shit out of her, and she ran from him and hid in the closet. Her husband in that movie was my father. That is how he was, only it was his children, not the wife that received the abuse.
Anyway, I used to do that as a child. I remember hiding in the back of the closet, thinking don't move, don't make a sound, don't breathe, literally frozen with fear, waiting for the shadow of his feet underneath the door, hoping and praying that he would not find me, not notice me. That is how I was in life, trying to hide, being invisible, praying that he would not see me. That fear made me vulnerable, it brought out a different side of him, instead of the violent predator he was, he became a sexual predator, I was easier prey when I was frozen with fear.
I did that with two other men later in life. If I was in a position that I thought there was a possibility of it becoming sexual, my guard was up. I would avoid anything that could turn into a sexual situation as much as possible, but sometimes there would be those particular guys that would push the situation, they would push and push me, it would get to a certain point where I would once again freeze up. I wouldn't be able to think, speak, move, or hardly breathe. I would not do anything to stop them after a certain point because I physically could not. It was not a situation like Chad, where I couldn't move because they were holding me down or anything, no, I couldn't move because somewhere inside of me I would freeze up, my fear and panic of what was about to happen, would freeze any response that I wanted to have. It was not assault in anyway, they were just pushy, not even physically pushy, they would just keep trying is all. Fear is not safe for me, it is not a safe response because of what it does to me.
Instead I want to react. The other picture I get is almost like Tarzan, like the old Tarzan movies where he would stand up to anything thump his chest, and dare anything to just try to come after him. I picture myself standing up to my father, literally, looking him in the face and saying anything that I want to without feeling fear, daring him to hit me. I can actually picture myself saying, "Go ahead, hit me, go ahead I dare you to, I don't give a shit, hit me as hard as you can, do it." Almost wanting him to hit me, wishing he would so that I could react, I picture myself reacting with pure hatred and anger, no fear, no sadness, no vulnerability. I would love to be able to piss him off so much that he would hit me, and it not scare me a bit.
To me it is two different personalities, I can be a passive person in life, avoiding, being invisible, and waiting for life to happen, accepting anything that it dishes out knowing that it is just life and that I must deal with it, like I have no choice. That is what that little girl did, she just accepted whatever came her way because she did not know any different. She is frozen in fear, and extreme way of expressing it, but it is the way I see it. Or I can be that other person, that one that stands up to anything and doesn't give a shit, dares someone to just try to hurt her because if they do she will push back, it will give her an excuse to push back. She will not take it, she will fight back. She is not going to sit back and let things happen to her. She will not let life pass her by, just trying to survive. She is an active participant in life, she goes after what she wants, and if life isn't good enough she will try to step up and change it without being scared and worried.
She won't be scared and worried like I am everyday about everything.
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