Pandora's Aquarium: She wasn't there - Pandora's Aquarium

You know, it is pretty sad that it takes another person looking at your life and talking to you about it to make you see it for what it is. It takes my t to say maybe one or two simple words to make me look back at things, and then it is like I finally see it for what it really was, I see people for how they truly are. Not only have I always given my father excuses, but I have also always given my mother excuses, still do. She truly was not there, physically, yes she was, mentally, no. I was truly on my own. Even if I would have went to her, I know what she would have done, she would have brushed it off. She would say her famous words, I am sorry honey, but I did the best that I could, and she would leave it at that. I would leave it at that because there has always been a concern that she couldn't handle it, she could not mentally handle it. She apologizes easily, she has apologized for the life I had before, the life we all had before, and she doesn't even know half the shit that I have been through. The thing with her apology though, is that she still always appears to be the victim. It always seems to go back to how tough life was on her, and how much she tried to do the best she could as a mother, and maybe she did but it wasn't enough, not near enough.

It pisses me off, she wasn't there. She expects so much out of me, she always has, but never has been there to keep me safe, she has not been there for me, and she is my mother. She wouldn't be there now. She is very loving, and appears empathetic, and concerned, but then it all seems artificial to me. It may be genuine, but when it came down to it, if I truly need her, she couldn't be there, even if she wanted to be. Maybe she does have an excuse, she has mental problems, she can't handle much without appearing to go off the deep end, but then I wonder if sometimes it is not manipulation on her part. Yeah, she has been through shit, but when I think about it, unless I am not aware, she has not been through near as much shit as I have been through. I am not needy, I am not acting like I am barely hanging on by a thread. I don't scare my loved ones into believing that a nervous break down or suicide is a possibility.

It is hard not to be pissed at her, and the fact that she has never taken responsibility for anything, and she wouldn't. In her eyes it is all out of her hands. I was talking to her a while back, questioning her about my age when certain things happened, trying to piece the puzzle pieces together. I was wondering if I maybe was older when I met Jason, but after talking to her I realized that I was 12 just like I had remembered it. I had simply asked her if she remembered him. She said that she hadn't, I told her, "yeah, mom, he was 18, and you actually let me go out with him, I was only 12 years old." and I kind of laughed it off, I was wanting to hear what she would say about it without making a big deal about it. My brother remembered him, though, my mentally challenged brother remembered him, but my mother didn't, hmmm, wonder about that, wonder if she was being honest? Anyway, she said, wow I don't remember that, and she was going to drop it when my brother brought up that he remembered him, and she kind of laughed, and said, "God, I don't know what I was thinking, he could have raped you." That is what she said, I just blew it off, laughed a little bit, and dropped it. In my mind, I was thinking, thanks mom, appreciate your concern now, where was it then, where was it when I needed it, and oh, yeah he did rape me, if you can call it that. I mean, he didn't hold me down like Chad did, but I sure as hell didn't know what he was doing.

I honestly don't know where her mind was back then, or what the hell she was thinking. Then I think back about Chad, she had met someone, and pretty much, my brother and I were still on her own because she was out having fun with her new husband. There was a point where her husband didn't want to deal with my brother anymore so she put him in a group home. Anything to make her man happy, I guess, same as it was with my father. How long did she allow my dad to beat the shit out of my sister before she left him? Lets see, I don't know when he started getting violent, but my oldest sister had already moved out of the house at 17 years old, so it was a long time. I wouldn't doubt it if she had a suspicion about him, and just chose to ignore it when it came to me, or maybe not. Still, the point is she should have never allowed anyone to hurt her children.

I have no idea how she didn't know that something was going on when Chad was assaulting me any chance he got either. I know that there were countless times that I walked in that house disheveled, shaky, and I am sure that my shirt was torn a couple of times too, but she wouldn't notice. She never noticed, not once. She truly was not there, she was an absent mother. It amazes me how clueless she is about it all, and how she has always been. She was not a good mother, she wasn't.