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I can usually hide it pretty well, but yesterday my husband was wondering, he could tell something was wrong with me. What do you say, though, I tell him I am fine, and hope that he will just leave me alone. If I don't feel like talking, like smiling, just leave me alone. I have all this shit from the past pulling me down, then to top it off, the everyday pressures of life, wish that I could just escape it all, even if it is only for a little while. I need to escape.
I hope eventually things will change. I hope that I get to a point where it is not always there, I wish that I could get to a point where I can't be so easily pulled back. I do have good weeks, thank goodness, but the bad ones always come back. I wonder if I will ever get to a point where I do not constantly feel the pull of it, the weight of it. I want to feel normal, I want to feel free from it all.
What I would give if it was all different. What I would give to just be able to imagine how it would be, I would love to know how it would be to have wonderful parents, to come from a good place. I would like to be able to think back and instead of feeling what I feel, I feel joy, security, love, safety, and support. It has always been the same, always, and it is there now, the hopelessness of it all is there now, and I feel so easily. I truly never had a chance, and I hate it, I hate that I never had a chance. Luckily, I made it okay, luckily I didn't end up killing myself, become addicted to drugs, or end up in an abusive relationship, guess I was lucky. Now to focus on that, learn how to keep my focus on the good things in my life instead of the bad. It is very difficult to do that though. On the scale the bad outweighs the good by a lot, it's pull is much more heavy, it is my burden to carry, and I am tired of it.
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The Kelsey Briggs Story
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~In Memory of Kelsey Briggs