Pandora's Aquarium: I wish I knew why - Pandora's Aquarium

I wish I knew why and what he was thinking. Was it about control, he had control over me, I was scared of him. He controlled me by beating the shit out of my sisters in front of me when they went against him in anyway. I saw it and knew that I should never go against him, and I didn't. So he already had control over me, why the hell did he have to do what he did. At what point did he come in my room to tuck me in, and decided that he wanted to go further. How does that enter a person's mind, I don't get it, I don't understand. Why did he continue, and how far would it have went if my mother wouldn't have left. What and why did he cross that line, what made him do it, what made him think it?! What made him want to? Was it always there in his mind, or was there some trigger that made him do it. Did he realize what he was doing, did he plan it, did he get how wrong it was, did he truly think that he had the right because he was the 'man of the house.' Did he not think that it would damage me, or did he even care. Did he think that we were all his property to use us in anyway that he wanted, and if he did think that, why did he decide to use me differently than he did everyone else. Why was he different with me, what was it about me that made those thoughts enter his mind?

What the hell goes on in a father's mind to do that to his own daughter, how the hell could a father even contemplate it. How could he!? How could I even, ever admit it, why the hell did I ever admit that it happened. It is sick, it is shameful. I want to hide under a rock and never come out. I want it to all go away.