Pandora's Aquarium: I am not happy anymore - Pandora's Aquarium

I have changed so much since I started dealing with this stuff a few years ago. I was so scared of changing, of losing the life that I had gained in one way or another, and I have. I have changed so much, I used to be this person that always looked on the bright side of things, I was very good at pushing the past hurts away, at not letting them bother me. I loved my life, I loved the life that I felt I was blessed with, I loved my husband, I was a faithful Christian that loved God and felt so thankful. I was positive, and I did not let things 'get me down.'

I am not that person anymore, she is dead. I am now this cynical, miserable, unhappy, and angry person that does not understand what the point of this life is. What the hell is the point. I love my children, but this world that they are growing up in sucks. It is so dangerous, and hurtful, and it scares the hell out of me that I must teach them the skills to live in it safely, when I was not taught the skills myself. How the hell am I supposed to know how to be a good parent when I had the childhood I did, when I had the parents that I did??!! I am doing the best that I can, but never feel like it is good enough.

I am no longer happy in my marriage. I am realizing now that I truly do not feel like I have a partner. One day I know that I am going to need someone there. I am going to need a compassionate person who truly cares, one that I can trust with my pain, and that will be there to help me pick up these pieces of my life that I feel are now shattered all over the floor. I know he loves me, but he isn't there. He is in his own world, and cannot see passed it. I long for that so much, for someone to just be there and be that compassionate, caring, and understanding person that I have never had. Of course, I don't know how I would react if I had someone like that, I probably couldn't reach out anyway. I feel as though I have lost any spirituality that I once had. How can I feel close to God, how can I be faithful, when I have such darkness in my soul, such anger, hatred, sickness, and pain? It is becoming very difficult for me to not be angry at God, and life in general.

I can no longer see the good things in my life as clearly, it is getting more and more difficult to hold onto those things. Seems all I have been able to do lately is look back at all the past shit, think of it instead, and wonder why, why did I deserve to have the life I did, why? I can't help but just be full of anger at the life that I have been given, and the unfairness of it all. I am sick of it all, and if it wasn't for my kids, I honestly would just give up, I would stop fighting all this shit and give into it. They are the only reason right now that I have to fight this darkness, and still I feel as though I am not fighting it, I feel as though it is winning. I am only able to do what I can, but need to do and be so much more for them, but it is impossible.