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I feel as though if I don't get upset about it that somehow I am stronger than it, I am stronger than what happened to me. I am not going to give them the satisfaction of crying over it now. I feel by not letting it upset me, that somehow I am taking back the weakness that I had as a girl, I refuse to be that weak, needy, vulnerable little girl again, I won't do it. I know I shouldn't, but I still hate her. I hate that person I was, I hate her, and I will not be that person anymore. I would rather go through life feeling nothing, than feel the fear, and the vulnerability that I felt then, the helplessness. I am going to be above that, and not let it bother me. I tend to look at what it has done to me as a person, and now my goal is to fix what it did, fix what is broken. Fix all that brokenness in me, try to put all the pieces back together again. My goal is to try to become the person I could have been if it all didn't happen.
It is hard not to think back, and realize that if I wouldn't have been scared, if I would have just stood up to him, if I would have just pissed him off, that it may not have happened. If I would have just pissed him off than he would have hit me instead. I would not have known what it was like to accept a person's touch that I did not want to feel, I would have not learned how to lay there quietly, take the shit, and not say a word. Maybe I would have been more apt to say no to Jason, maybe I would have had better skills to deal with Chad, maybe I would have realized that what was happening was not supposed to, that it was not 'normal'. If my dad would have never touched me, maybe it is not what I would have expected and feared from every man after that.
Yeah, I know that I was a little girl, but I am also being realistic here in realizing that if I was not the little girl that I was, it most likely would not have happened.
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