Pandora's Aquarium: Fathers Day, Hate it with every fiber of my being - Pandora's Aquarium

I hate this time of the year. What I wouldn't give to actually have a father that deserved to celebrate! Here my family believes that I should see him, or get him a card or something. They sit there and think that it is my place, somehow. I guess because of that 'special bond' they believe we have. It makes me sick. Do I let them know the hell I have been through because of him, no, I stay silent, as usual. Wouldn't do a damn bit of good to say anything anyway, make matters worse. Guess I was his 'favorite' as my mother has said, I mean after-all he didn't beat the shit out of me, he just screwed my life up in another way, a way that is so much more disgusting and revolting. Man, what I would give now if he would have hit me, punched me, kicked me or something, I would have much rather been his punching bag than what I was to him, it makes me sick.

What makes matters worse, is that I even feel as though I should do something for him, not knowing why the hell I feel that, pissing me off even more, I am an idiot. I think that pisses me off the most, that I can't just hate him, feel nothing, why can't I despise him after what he did. Just because I have his blood running through my veins?! That makes what he did so much worse, how can he, how can he??!! How can I, how can I ever feel like that in someway have an obligation to him??!! He doesn't deserve crap! It is all fucked up and upside down!

It is a huge struggle just to find him a card. Maybe I should make my own card....

Happy Fathers Day Daddy

Today, I look back, and I want to thank you for all the lessons that you have taught me, all the love that you have shown me.

I want to thank you for teaching me what it feels like to be touched, to be frozen with fear, and to feel dirty.

I want to thank you for teaching me how to be strong, how to stay silent, and not to cry, even though I feel pieces of my soul breaking apart.

Thank you for teaching me resilience, to learn how to survive, no matter what was happening in my life, no matter how much you were hurting me.

Thank you for the special attention that you gave me when I was little, the attention that you did not give anyone else, the attention that makes me now feel worthless and damaged to the core.

Thank you for making me feel as though I will never be whole again.

Thank you so much for ruining my life

I love you,Daddy

Happy Fathers Day


I think that I got Hallmark beat