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I am really down tonight, I feel like I have been on the verge of tears all day, just very sad. I haven't cried about everything yet, but feel pretty darn close tonight, probably still wouldn't be able to though. It scares me, I don't feel like I have really hit the grieving stage yet, and it has been years. It scares me that if I do hit that stage, that I won't be able to ever be happy again. I am scared that I will go down that dark tunnel and never find the light. What is going to happen when it really hits me, or is it ever going to. Am I just going to carry this sadness with me that I truly can't reach for the rest of my life? Or is there going to be a day that comes along that I begin to cry, and it all comes boiling over? What if it is a combination of sadness and anger, I feel like that there could be so much that it may swallow me whole. I am scared to feel, but at the same time need to.
There is so much to cry for, the loss of a father that I never truly had, the loss of my innocence, the loss of my childhood, the loss of a chance of ever leading a normal life, the loss of my sexuality, and the loss of what might have been. There is so much to be angry at, myself, my father, my mother, the others that have hurt me, life, God??
What will I do with it?
There is so much to cry for, the loss of a father that I never truly had, the loss of my innocence, the loss of my childhood, the loss of a chance of ever leading a normal life, the loss of my sexuality, and the loss of what might have been. There is so much to be angry at, myself, my father, my mother, the others that have hurt me, life, God??
What will I do with it?
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