Pandora's Aquarium: Bad week - Pandora's Aquarium

What a wonderful way to start a new year, thinking of this crap. I don't know what all the hoop-la is about anyway, who cares it is a new year. Just another one that goes by in time. I miss my positive attitude that I used to have. I got a lot to be thankful this in my life, I shouldn't be unhappy, but I am right now.

This week has been tough. I think that it is because I have been off for the past two weeks, and when I am not busy my mind seems to wander to the past. My life sucked, now I have a better one. Still, I will not ever stop having the affects from the past. I wish I could somehow make everything around me just go away. I wish that I could stay here in my home, on our acre, surrounded by nothing but nature and take care of my kids and never have to go out into the 'real' world. I don't like having to deal with other people at all. I only want to deal with my kids and my husband (sometimes not even him). I don't fit in, never will, and I don't want to. I am getting to the point that I don't even want to have much to do with my mother and sister.

I am still angry with my mother and always will be for not protecting me. It is not her fault though, she didn't make it happen. I just wish that she would have been more alert about things. I wished that she would have sit down and talked with me, a simple talk. I wish that she was stronger before we left my dad, I wished that she would have showed us that it was ok to stand up for yourself and for others. All I saw from her back then was weakness. She didn't try to stop him, when he was beating the shit out of my sisters, she didn't try to stop them. She got to a point when she would leave, but seemed she always came back. She waited on him hand and foot, she brought his dinner to him on a tray every night, she refilled his drinks for him, she never stood up to him or objected to anything. So, no I never saw him lay a hand on her, which almost pisses me off more. I didn't want anything to happen to her, but for her to stand back and watch her daughters being hurt, and not try to stop him. I would, me, a 6-8 year old girl would be hitting my dad's back trying to get him to stop hurting my sister that were older than me, but my mother, nothing, except crying. She warned my sisters when my dad wasn't around, now just do what he says, don't make him mad. Or she would hear his truck drive up and tell them to hide out so that they wouldn't have to go out in the hay field and help him, or help him cut wood or all the other countless shit he would have them do. I don't know how she was unaware of what he was doing to me either, he must have been good at deceiving to be able to molest his youngest daughter without anyone knowing. I wish my mother would have stood up to him and said, that she will not take it anymore, to not touch his girls again.

Thank God she finally woke up and didn't come back. It was too late for my sisters, they were already adults, and it was too late for me. Then when finally we moved, she still didn't keep me safe. I had to deal with it all on my own, I had to figure it all out on my own, I didn't have anybody to protect me, to keep me safe. I learned it all myself, in a way that I shouldn't have. That is not the way that I should have learned what sex was, in a class in school, a year after he did that to me. I remember thinking, oh that is what he was doing, what we were doing.

I was stupid, how could I not know how horribly wrong and fucked up everything was then, how could I not say, I really don't want you doing this to me, it hurts, it makes me feel horrible, stop!! Why didn't I say anything, why did I just lay there and allow him to do anything he wanted to me? How could I?! I hated every moment of it, I wasn't participating whatsoever, just laying there. What possible enjoyment could he get out of that??!!

I hate myself for letting anyone touch me, anyone.

All because my mom couldn't sit down and talk to me, all because my dad began when I was young. All because I didn't think that I was allowed to say no.

I wish that I could forget, I wish that I could pretend none of it happened. But I can't it is all there and it won't go away.