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Not sure why, maybe it is because I have been off for two weeks now, and I have time to think. I have been having a hard time this week. I have been thinking about everything and I am so angry at my mom and sister. It is hard not to show it either. I am so mad for them not protecting me and putting me in positions that I shouldn't have been in. Things could have been so different.
Why would an older sister put her younger one in a position that she didn't know how to handle. What was she thinking?! I was 15, and she set me up with a 36 year old. I would never do that to a younger girl. I look at my 16 year old niece and know that there was no way that I was mature enough to handle a man that age, I had no business going out with him. Luckily nothing really happened, I can still feel that fear though. I am so glad that his roommate was a decent guy and protected me that night.
I am still so angry at my mother, who was the adult in the relationship, seemed like I was. Thing is I was too immature and young to be an adult yet. I guess she didn't ever think that it was important enough to tell me about sex before she let me date a 18 year old, when I was 12. I had no idea, none. I didn't know what he was doing, I didn't know how to react, and I didn't know that I should have stood up more than I did to him. I let him know that I didn't really want it to go as far as it did. I wasn't sure what he was doing in the beginning, but I knew that I was not comfortable with it and wanted him to stop. He just wouldn't, he kept pushing me and pushing me, told me to just lay down and relax.
Stupid me, always wanting to do what I was supposed to, did what I was told and hated it the whole time, but didn't think that I could say anything. All consequences of what I saw happen at home when you said no, or put up any kind of objection to my dad at home. Women didn't have the right to do that in my household, we didn't have a right to anything. That is the way we were raised, we were there for the men, and to raise the kids, clean house, that was it. We were there to serve the men, and our fathers. I was there for my dad, he started all of this shit, he is the one that started using me for whatever the hell his sick needs were at the time. Bullshit! It is all bullshit. One simple talk would have done it, why didn't she just sit me down and talk to me. I was completely on my own about everything it seemed. I didn't know what had happened when I bled from my first period, that was after I had my first sexual experience. Seems a little out of order doesn't it, I was too young, he was too old, what was she thinking. She could have at least warned me. I didn't know why someone would want to touch me down there, why it hurt so bad, and why I bled then so much, why he would want to. All I knew is that it felt completely wrong, dirty, I felt as though I had done something horrible, dirty and shameful. I didn't know any of these things because I wasn't told or warned.
Now here I am scared to death the same things are going to happen to my daughters. I will tell them though, I will warn them, when it is time. Still scared, that there will be some asshole out there that will try to take advantage of them, try to hurt them. Scared that there will be nothing I can do about it. It is hard not to hate men, it really is. They all seem to be the same to me. They think between their legs, and that is the only part that matters to them. I am finding myself angry at so much right now, and I can't seem to shake it.
Why would an older sister put her younger one in a position that she didn't know how to handle. What was she thinking?! I was 15, and she set me up with a 36 year old. I would never do that to a younger girl. I look at my 16 year old niece and know that there was no way that I was mature enough to handle a man that age, I had no business going out with him. Luckily nothing really happened, I can still feel that fear though. I am so glad that his roommate was a decent guy and protected me that night.
I am still so angry at my mother, who was the adult in the relationship, seemed like I was. Thing is I was too immature and young to be an adult yet. I guess she didn't ever think that it was important enough to tell me about sex before she let me date a 18 year old, when I was 12. I had no idea, none. I didn't know what he was doing, I didn't know how to react, and I didn't know that I should have stood up more than I did to him. I let him know that I didn't really want it to go as far as it did. I wasn't sure what he was doing in the beginning, but I knew that I was not comfortable with it and wanted him to stop. He just wouldn't, he kept pushing me and pushing me, told me to just lay down and relax.
Stupid me, always wanting to do what I was supposed to, did what I was told and hated it the whole time, but didn't think that I could say anything. All consequences of what I saw happen at home when you said no, or put up any kind of objection to my dad at home. Women didn't have the right to do that in my household, we didn't have a right to anything. That is the way we were raised, we were there for the men, and to raise the kids, clean house, that was it. We were there to serve the men, and our fathers. I was there for my dad, he started all of this shit, he is the one that started using me for whatever the hell his sick needs were at the time. Bullshit! It is all bullshit. One simple talk would have done it, why didn't she just sit me down and talk to me. I was completely on my own about everything it seemed. I didn't know what had happened when I bled from my first period, that was after I had my first sexual experience. Seems a little out of order doesn't it, I was too young, he was too old, what was she thinking. She could have at least warned me. I didn't know why someone would want to touch me down there, why it hurt so bad, and why I bled then so much, why he would want to. All I knew is that it felt completely wrong, dirty, I felt as though I had done something horrible, dirty and shameful. I didn't know any of these things because I wasn't told or warned.
Now here I am scared to death the same things are going to happen to my daughters. I will tell them though, I will warn them, when it is time. Still scared, that there will be some asshole out there that will try to take advantage of them, try to hurt them. Scared that there will be nothing I can do about it. It is hard not to hate men, it really is. They all seem to be the same to me. They think between their legs, and that is the only part that matters to them. I am finding myself angry at so much right now, and I can't seem to shake it.
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