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Diane's Birthday

18 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]At the beginning of this month was Diane's birthday (48 this year, and no, I'm not giving the exact date), and Ellen and I conspired to celebrate it a little even though we don't do much of that around here. I had to be careful, though, because my birthday's next month, and I knew if we made too big a deal...
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Tags: diane's birthday, laughter, diane

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Farmer John, Part 3

17 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Diane says the interesting thing about whatever concoction the guy gave me (that's what she keeps calling it, a "concoction") is that it didn't actually knock me out for awhile. She says I was still awake and "babbling" when Carolyn arrived several hours later.

"Maybe that was the...
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Tags: diane, conversations, ellen, carolyn, words

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In Other News...

16 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]My runt cat has decided the Christmas tree is her own personal jungle gym, and has managed to climb to the top and knock it over three times so far. We now have it secured in the corner with string, so Miro has had to be satisfied with just stealing the occasional ornament and dropping it in one of the toilets. She and...
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Tags: phone phobia, sequelae, miro, healing, firsts, words, healing

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Farmer John, Part 2

16 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Ellen and I have been getting the rest of the Farmer John story out of Diane over the past several days. Diane's always uncomfortable when the spotlight is on her, I mean no matter what we're talking about, and both me and Ellen kind of suck at staying on topic, so it's taking awhile. Plus even though I want...
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Tags: ellen, diane, conversations, grief

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Farmer John, Part 1

13 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Not long after that night at the shelter, I managed to hook up with yet another psycho john. The stuff I do remember is a little sketchy, and there's a lot I don't remember at all. I remember he was in a dark-colored pickup with a cab on the back, and we climbed in the back and then it was like we were wrestling. My...
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Tags: diane, conversations, ellen

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Cognitive Dissonance

12 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I consider myself a pretty down-to-earth sort of person. Of the three of us, me, Diane, and Ellen, I'm the least likely to get all mystical and new-agey about things.

Ellen, of course, despite all that supergenius business, is very in touch with things unseen and inexplicable. I'm not sure a person can do...
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Tags: diane, ellen, mystical mumbo-jumbo, fake diane

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Name Changing

11 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Ha, name changing seems to be ongoing.

Yeah...I got tired of "Siren Song." I can't hold a tune to save my life, and I kind of don't like the connotations. Although luring sailors to their deaths could be interesting.


Update (December 31, 2009):
So I tried a bunch of different names and for the time...
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Tags: words

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Four Months

11 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Carolyn died four months ago today.


I remember asking her, when I first understood she would be making choices about it, How will you know when it's time? How will you know when you're ready?

And she said, "I'll know I'm ready when I stop caring whether you guys are ready."

"I'm not...
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Tags: carolyn, grief, mensiversaries

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]So Diane pets at Wheeze and tells how she went into the room I was sleeping in and saw I was "having a hard time." She says she hunkered down next to the mattress and tried talking to me a little, asking if I was okay, whatever. But she could tell I wasn't hearing her.

This is a subject that for some reason...
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Tags: diane, conversations, touch, love, nightmares, ellen, miro

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Diane goes on a long explanation of how she ended up hanging around at the shelter for awhile after getting me settled, something about poker and the overnight person and two of her favorite kids. Then a bit later, as she was heading out, she heard a sound from the room where they'd put me, a little side room,...
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Tags: diane, ellen, conversations, miro

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The Shelter: Car Ride

07 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]In other news, Diane filled in a little gap this weekend, in the whole story about how we bonded enough for her to decide to take me home. Or how she bonded enough to decide to take me home. The two of us have been taking turns telling this story to Ellen, and to each other. This is a part I don't remember much...
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Tags: rape, conversations, diane

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Rollercoaster

07 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Still all over the place with this fake Diane thing. Which isn't even anything yet and may never be. Sometimes I feel fine and other times I feel kind of nuts.

I'm scared I'm too weird. That my situation is too strange. That I won't even be able to explain things before she thinks I'm a total nut. ...
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Tags: carolyn, fussing, fake diane, insecurity, grief

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]After Diane left for work this morning Ellen and I sneaked out AMA and after a good half hour finally found a working pay phone. It turns out I'm not that afraid of pay phones. I was a little nervous but I called my home number, nervous but not freaking out. However, guess what! I am utterly incapable of leaving a...
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Tags: sequelae, healing, phone phobia

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Zen Moment

07 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I'm feeling calmer about this whole fake Diane thing. At the moment, anyhow, ha. I'm thinking even if it opens up a can of worms for me...well...some part of me must've known such a thing might happen. Maybe part of what I can learn from this, also, is how to sort of go with the flow, communication-wise. ...
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Tags: fake diane, zen moments, secrets

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Fussing

06 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Now I'm fussing over the next steps, I mean if any of this pans out. If the person with the blog (the poet) (but not the one who wrote the poem...that one is the fake Diane)...if the poet does indeed put me in touch with the fake Diane, then what? How do I even explain the terms of the conversation, to even ask if...
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Tags: secrets, moral discomfort, fussing, fake diane

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Response

06 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Wow...that email I sent last night? To the poet, the one with the blog? I just got a response. I'm totally stoked. Nothing of substance, just letting me know she couldn't respond for real but would when she had a chance. That seems like a really respectful thing to do, if you ask me.

This was the first time...
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Tags: fake diane

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Phone Phobia: More Progress

06 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]It's weird...I don't really have any memories of using the phone. I mean, I know I called Diane that time, because she says so, and it makes sense. But I just don't recall doing that. I asked her about it and about the whole survival-mode thing and she said that makes sense. In fact I don't remember a lot...
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Tags: healing, sequelae, phone phobia

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Ambushed

06 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I don't understand how it can sometimes still knock me down. I mean literally knock me down. I was walking to my bedroom and I don't even remember what I was thinking about, just that suddenly the hurt was there again, just like those first hours and days, when all the colors were wrong and things wouldn't...
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Tags: grief, carolyn, tears

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Serendipity?

06 December 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Weirdness. Found some handwritten notes of Carolyn's awhile back, looks like from when she was doing some very quiet research into stuff about my uncle. I think she understood more than I ever thought. Had more info about it than I suspected.

Anyhow...these notes are pretty cryptic, etc. Oh and Carolyn has about...
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Tags: carolyn, mystical mumbo-jumbo, fake diane, diane, fussing, secrets

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]"Your teachers must love you." Diane says this with a warm, friendly sound. It pisses me off, because I like the warmth but I can't get at it with the truth in the way.

I feel my face closing and I turn away and look out the window. "I guess."

"What? Did I say something wrong? You have...
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Tags: diane, conversations

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About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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