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Honeyed

16 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]When I first started believing Carolyn really was sick, I started a topic in the My Life section, asking people to send healing vibes or prayers or whatever. I tried to add to it every so often, like, to update. The morning after Carolyn died, I added that, too. I wasn't really in a place to say much there, but it...
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Tags: grief, tears, words

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Newspapers

16 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
I heard the newspapers arrive, went out to retrieve them. And there they were, at the end of the driveway, just like always.

Ah. Three of them, one for each of us, so we can compete to see who gets done first.

My heart broke in two. In three.

Tags: grief

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Cat Grief

16 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Sunday morning, no newspaper yet, one downside to being rural: unpredictable delivery times.

It's been just me and Diane; Ellen went home Friday night. I miss her acutely. Diane has been like a zombie a lot, but I think she misses her, too. I wonder if Ellen feels relieved for the break. I got the feeling it was...
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Tags: grief, miro, diane, tears

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Firsts

15 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I'm not one to mark anniversaries. I mean, I remember the big things: Allison's death, Serena's death, even his. But I don't remember the date it was when that first man raped me, for example. I don't remember when it was that Dumpster Dude tried to kill me. Maybe because my uncle taught me that...
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Tags: grief, firsts

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How This Is Different

14 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Traumas in my life:
[list=1]

[*]Whatever my uncle did to me that now causes nightmares (age 3 or 4)
[*]Allison's death (age 9)
[*]Rapes (Serena's drug deals) (age 9)
[*]Serena's death (age 10)
[*]Life with my uncle (age 10-13)
[*]My uncle's death (age 13)
[*]Dumpster Dude trying to kill me (age 13)
[*]Now:...
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Tags: words, lists, grief

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Motherliness

14 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We stayed in Carolyn's room again last night. I guess that might seem weird or inappropriate or whatever, but I trust us, me and Diane, I mean. Having someone right next to me like that, it somehow takes the edge off the hole inside. Apparently my susceptibility to feeling crowded is taking a backseat for awhile. I...
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Tags: ellen, tears, touch, love, grief, diane, motherly me

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Snippets

13 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]It's strange about the cats, how they seem so upset, because they both were there in the room when Carolyn died, and they both left and came back at different points after she died but before the funeral home people came to take her away. They each came over and sniffed, and they each did the same thing, sort of...
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Tags: grief, diane, ellen, miro, death, carolyn

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Reaching Diane

13 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We slept in Carolyn's room last night. Diane and I, huddled together like baby rabbits, hugging pillows and each other. Clinging. Sleep lapping against me, then receding. Hovering at that edge, I became aware of a hum inside Diane, a thin, constant tremble, almost unnoticeable. She was curved behind me, her chest...
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Tags: diane, carolyn, death, mystical mumbo-jumbo, motherly me, ellen, grief, love, touch

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The Last Hurrah

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]This is the fifth entry I've written today. This suggests that even though it doesn't feel like it, writing is helping somehow. Okay.

Yes...honoring Carolyn. We find moments, leaning against each other. Say how Carolyn would be rolling her eyes at all the moping and dramatics. Tell the things that matter,...
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Tags: ellen, grief, diane, death, carolyn

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Groping

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I tell myself there's so much here to be thankful for. Thinking about the deaths I have touched or caused. I have bad luck so far in this department, with the first three, I mean. Four people so far, dying up close and personal. But this one is different. Allison: freakish, sudden, unfathomable. Serena: too hard...
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Tags: grief, miro, tears, ellen, diane, death, carolyn

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Holding

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]It's the only thing to do. Write these things down. Write it out so it stops shredding inside. Writing can't hurt any more than not writing does and I'll be glad later. I know how this works. If I don't catch it now the hurting will smudge it. The mind protects itself. But I want to hold every second...
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Tags: ellen, grief, tears, love, touch, diane, words, death, carolyn

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Fourteen Hours...

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]...in a world without Carolyn.

I feel so strange. Like the world should stop. Like to do anything but grieve is some kind of sacrilege.

But you can only cry for so long before you realize you have to pee. And then on your way back from the bathroom you see nobody remembered to feed the cats. And then you stand in...
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Tags: carolyn, death, tears, diane, grief, words, firsts

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Carolyn

12 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Carolyn died last night. Gently, peacefully. She died between tides, with the smell of ocean in the air, here in the place she loved best, and Diane and I were there, holding her and each other.

She was her bossy self right up to the end. The last thing she said to me was "Just close your eyes, kiddo, like...
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Tags: carolyn, dying, death, diane, touch, love, tears, words

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Sharing Ellen

11 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Ellen's here early tonight. She and Diane went and sat up on the deck for awhile and talked, and when they came back in I could tell Diane had been crying, and maybe Ellen, too. I feel glad Diane is letting herself lean on Ellen a little. Even though they kind of started on the wrong foot, what with Diane accusing...
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Tags: carolyn, dying, diane, ellen, tears

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In the Eye of It

11 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]We had a lovely morning. Carolyn was up for longer than usual, seemed more animated and awake, like somehow she had a sort of second wind. Wanted to be outside for awhile, with only the nasal cannula, and made it all the way to lunchtime before needing to lie back down. I looked across the room at her at one point, and...
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Tags: love, diane, dying, carolyn, touch, mystical mumbo-jumbo

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Not Yet

10 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
Today I asked Carolyn how she was feeling. She said, "I'm ready for you guys to be ready."

I'm not!
I'm not.
I'm not.


oh it hurts

Tags: carolyn, dying, love

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Disarming a Trigger

10 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]I was on my way to post something in the Bad Dreams, Etc. section when I noticed MaybeJoleisa's thread about startle responses. And one of the...
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Tags: ellen, sequelae

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Ellen Reads Me

10 August 2009
Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Last night I was in my room, sitting up in bed, lights off, writing on my laptop, which is where I keep my personal journal. I do that often: write before lying down to sleep. I heard Ellen arrive and let herself in, greet idiot Miro, then come down the hall. On her way into the guest room she saw I was still up and...
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Tags: carolyn, dying, ellen, sequelae, skin, touch, love, tears, words

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Odd. I think I've been using my history of abuse as a way to distract myself from the whole dying thing. I've been finding myself in the "fifty ways to be fucked up" section, posting under different threads when I'm feeling particularly jammed up about Carolyn. Like, telling horror stories about the...
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Tags: carolyn, dying

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Posted by Siren  
[font="Arial"]Posted in the forum: "Types of Sexual Assault"
Under the thread: "Sexual assault involving sleep/food deprivation"

Wow, just when I think I've figured out all the categories here that my abuse fits into, you all go and add another category!


Well, okay, maybe I fit here, maybe I don't. My...
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Tags: uncle, der

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This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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