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Whats in my head

Posted by lostinsideofme , 19 July 2013 · 109 views

Something is really wrong with me. I know it know.

My mind has just been really f-ed up lately. Its crazy to think that after 5 years of distancing myself from my uncle, all I want is to be with him. I keep thinking about how much happier I was, how in a sick twisted way he kept me sane.

I don't know what it is, but I miss him like hell. After I stopped talking to him, everything just crumbled around me and continues to crumble. Being with him messed up just about every family relationship I had. I'm trying like mad to build them back, but I'm not the same me. My friends don't like to hang with me anymore, I always feel depressed and just want to be alone. Every relationship I had since him has been horribly ruined by me. I miss that closeness. The support. The guidance. The sex... Everything. I don't care that it was a horrible relationship that began with him raping and abusing me. I don't care that it destroyed every ounce of me and built me into this crazy person that I don't know.

What I do care about is that fact that I haven't been the same since. I went from quitting cigarettes to smoking multiple packs a day. I feel like an alcoholic because I haven't been able to fall asleep without being drunk. Started taking narcotics and smoking weed just to get by. I dove head first into the kids and their school to occupy my mind, then dove into work. Overwhelming myself just trying to have something else to focus on. I was healthier before. He was there for me when I would go for my scans. He supported everything I did. Even if it was because he had alterior motives I don't care, because it felt like at least somebody cared. Because right now, I have NO ONE.

:cry:



Guide to my world

I put up a general *TRIGGER WARNING* for all those who read. This is me being as real as I can get, trying not to hold back. Working through memories and life's challenges in the aftermath.

Contents:
Randomness tends to have the most content, but I warn you, it gets pretty random.

When I find more courage, My stories, will have more content. For now walk with my through my therapeutic adventures and rants.

School sucks, but at least its finally over.

Emotions, Memories are full of raw emotion.

Recently I've been Exploring My Sexuality

Welcome to my world.~lost~

What I'm Pondering

How do you overcome something that has been ingrained in you? Is it possible, or is it like fighting against your genes?

How on earth do turkeys get their fat asses in the air?

If I evolved from a primate, how come I've forgotten how to climb a tree?

Who can fry an egg on a sidewalk? I can barely fry an egg in a pan.

July 2016

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.