Whats in my head
My mind has just been really f-ed up lately. Its crazy to think that after 5 years of distancing myself from my uncle, all I want is to be with him. I keep thinking about how much happier I was, how in a sick twisted way he kept me sane.
I don't know what it is, but I miss him like hell. After I stopped talking to him, everything just crumbled around me and continues to crumble. Being with him messed up just about every family relationship I had. I'm trying like mad to build them back, but I'm not the same me. My friends don't like to hang with me anymore, I always feel depressed and just want to be alone. Every relationship I had since him has been horribly ruined by me. I miss that closeness. The support. The guidance. The sex... Everything. I don't care that it was a horrible relationship that began with him raping and abusing me. I don't care that it destroyed every ounce of me and built me into this crazy person that I don't know.
What I do care about is that fact that I haven't been the same since. I went from quitting cigarettes to smoking multiple packs a day. I feel like an alcoholic because I haven't been able to fall asleep without being drunk. Started taking narcotics and smoking weed just to get by. I dove head first into the kids and their school to occupy my mind, then dove into work. Overwhelming myself just trying to have something else to focus on. I was healthier before. He was there for me when I would go for my scans. He supported everything I did. Even if it was because he had alterior motives I don't care, because it felt like at least somebody cared. Because right now, I have NO ONE.