Happy, Sad, somewhere in between
If I could describe the kind of emotional wreck I am i would say cranky, but not your average cranky. I'm cranky like a lady who tried all her life to get pregnant and is now pregnant with triplets in her third trimester still getting her period not being able to wipe her own ass in the bathroom because her stomach is in the way only to find out that its not babies in her its a big ass tumor and her uterus needs to be removed.
Maybe that was too elaborate. IDK. But i have no idea whats in my head anymore. I'm angry at myself when I have a happy moment. Angry at myself for being angry. Angry at myself for having a sad moment. WTF. why am i so angry. Everything makes me angry. EVERYTHING. i can't help but be angry. Even when something good happens I can find the fault in it. I can find some reason to make me angry. I'm angry right now for even saying this.
I want to give up. Conceit defeat and just lie down. Hell I would have done it a long time ago, but I can't. I feel like I have to much to offer the world. Too much that I want to do, see, etc. If I can just pull myself together I can pull it off. I can make it. I can prove to myself that I can. But I wont let myself because in the back of my mind I can hear that crazy voice talking. Telling me not to fight it. to give in to the psychosis or whatever. Just give up.
I guess i should be happy that my strong will is louder, idk, but all i do wish that little voice got louder and actually controlled what I do because then I wont have to constantly battle myself. I think thats worse than feeling what i'm feeling. Being sad and depressed is one thing, but having part of you desperate fighting to be happy against the other part of you is hard. The desire to be happy and to want to get up and go do things is sitting there and most days the desire to do nothing wins out but I"m angry that I couldn't chose to get up and go with the side of me that wants to get out and see the world.
IDK whats wrong with me. I'm losing it. I need to stop working nights.