Everyday I wake up, it angers me. Everytime I open my eyes, I'm pissed. Why am I still here.
People tell me to look to God, and I just can't. I can't help but think, who is this God character. If I chose to believe in him, and I really supposed to believe that he is allowing all this nonsense to happen to me. That he's simply keeping me alive so that I can be his and the Devil's plaything?
Sorry I just can't
I've been begging for meds to help keep me at least a little more sane. but I guess since I"m not covered in cuts and not walking around drunk and haven't resorted to drugs yet, I don't exactly need meds.
SO here I sit. With each passing minute contemplating how to do it. Can i do it. Will i do it. While I wait for someone to see the real me, whats hidden beneath this disgustingly fat slob of a shell. Can someone please see the chaotic hell that lives within me. The pain, the anger, the shame, the fear... Something, someone, please... HELP!
It has been confirmed by multiple family members, including my father who never believed me, that my little cousin was raped and molested by my uncle as well and has been in a psych institution ever since. She can't go home because he still lives there. Her mom wont leave him, because she doesn't believe. I can't help but feel like its my fault. I knew that when I came into the picture he left the older one alone, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think about the younger one. I let her down. I"m sorry.
Why does it feel like once I made a decision that was supposed to be good for me everything went to hell. Honestly I would have been better off if I let him continue to use me. I wouldn't be so alone. I wouldn't have to struggle to pay my bills, wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to watch the kids. Is that wrong of me? it has to be, who says stuff like that. Yeah I want my abuser to keep abusing me.
My mind is warped. I keep having nightmares, bad thoughts. Everything is just screwed up. I can't keep anyone around me because all i want to do is fight. I want to yell and scream all the wrong people have done to me. All the anger I have inside of me is desperate to get out. But the people who need to hear it don't give a rats ass. And really its not for anyone else. But I can't turn the anger off. Its there and any tiny little thing sets me off. I explode. I'm trying really hard to hold it in, but when i do it brings me right back to wanting to kill myself. And oddly enough, when I let it out I have so much shame and self-hatred that I want to retreat into hiding and never come out again...
If you can follow any of this, then you know that I have lost my mind.