when i was 8 yrs old i was molested by a stranger. i never told my mom. I felt pleasured by what he did to me. Then my cousin moved to my town when i was 9 and the abuse started as a game and went on for 5 yrs. Since i had enjoyed what that stranger had done i let it happen and agreed to it every time my cousin asked me to do it. I never knew what i was doing until i was 15 since sex is a taboo here. when i realized what was going on i stopped agreeing to him. He tried to persuade me many times but i refused. I never told my mom though i wanted to hug her and cry and tell her everything.
I felt so much shame and guilt because i enjoyed the process. i blamed myself for 2 yrs and fell into a depression. my grade's dropped and i started failing. i began to push people away from me. i dont know if can say i have been abuse because every time he asked i said yes. So its my fault.
And because of this i became a sex addict. i started reading dirty magazines and started masturbating a lot. this was a way of escape for me from the dirty person i was and my life that was falling apart. i'd feel terribly guilty after i'd do it. I started cutting.
i never told anyone...then one day unable to bear the pain i called up a emotional counselor and told her i was abused (never told her the whole story). She didn't guide me properly but it was the first step to healing. letting go of the pain i had. then i was gifted with a laptop and internet access and only then i realized that it was ok for me to feel that way and that it was my body's reaction. here i found out that i was a sex addict. i started look for info and started controlling my lust.
i had many relapses. but i hav now finally made it and i hope i can stay this way. i don't have any guilty or shameful feelings. i'v changed a lot. from being a talkative, fun and humorous person i'v become quite and serious. Can't take jokes and am easily upset.... i can never go back to being who i was 2 yrs ago but i'v realized this is now just a small part of my life. i hav my whole future ahead of me.
i'v healed. I'm hear to listen to people and support other survivors. u can ask me anything u want. i'll try and help in anyway i can. It was really difficult for me to say this...
Thanks for listening to me...feel free to comment your thoughts...