need to vent, need encouragement
I missed my t appt. this morning- totally forgot. I also didn't have a ride, but since I didn't call and cancel in advance, I will be charged $4. What a stupid waste of money.
I have not been productive at my job for days. I can't focus and I'm constantly fighting myself over the dumbest things. Why did I not make that phone call or finish my time sheets, etc. And the more I don't do, the angrier I become at myself.
The biggie is this past weekend at my grandparent's house. I can't figure out what to do with my family. I love my family, parts of it. But there's a system in place that I can't be a part of, so where do I fit? What do I do? I can't support my grandfather, the sick fuck, but everyone else does, so what do I do with that? I stay a little distant and that works to a degree.
I feel myself withdrawing and slipping into depression. Maybe it's just a bad few days and I have to recover from seeing him. Seeing my cousins (ages 4 and 9) around him, hugging him, showing him love and affection... he doesn't deserve that! It makes me so angry. This shouldn't just be me feeling like this. How could they, knowing what he is, allow them to be around him?! Granted, they are vigilantly watched, not allowed to be alone with my gf, but still. It makes me sick.
I don't know, though, if I should allow myself withdrawal to gather myself or if I should fight it.