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Reenie's Blog


Peace and anxiety - fighting for control

Posted by Reenie565 , 19 May 2012 · 83 views

This is strange, and new. I feel calm and peaceful, then filled with anxiety, then peace comes again. I'm taking this as a good sign, a sign that there is peace beyond the fear.

I have accomplished more today than I've been able to do on most Sat. But I'm afraid to push it because I feel the anxiety just below the surface, waiting to strik...


What I know now

Posted by Reenie565 , 12 May 2012 · 94 views

What I know now....
*I'm deeply wounded
*My fears rule my life
*I'm not able to push past the pain
*I'm stuck and am afraid to get near the cause
*I've lost the strength that had once kept me fighting for more
*This next stage of healing will suck and will either kill me or set me free

So I'm once again on the edge of something big....


Something has shifted

Posted by Reenie565 , 31 March 2012 · 87 views

This past week has been one of changes and retrospect. I was deep in fear last week, the feeling of panic so very close to the surface, I was deep within myself, afraid to move. Then I heard the news that an old friend who I had not seen in years had died. Several people from my past contacted me to make sure I knew, there was to be a memorial service...


Spiraling down again - panic and fear

Posted by Reenie565 , 22 March 2012 · 84 views

I was doing so well, I was working with my T on really opening up my life, stepping out of the safe zone. He told me that I was making really good progress and I felt good. Then the fear and panic returned. I'm so scared and overwhelmed by this, it has been months since I had days like this and now I feel trapped in the fear again.

My T told me th...


Just for me...

Posted by Reenie565 , 12 February 2012 · 97 views

If I could speak from my heart, just for me, my words, my feelings, my truth, then maybe, just maybe I can take a step foward. If there was someone in my life that could love me and support me completely as I try to speak, share, acknowledge the pain. Then maybe the courage would come and break down the walls of fear.

I am not a bad person, I am not a p...


No pain, but a lot of sadness and regret

Posted by Reenie565 , 31 December 2011 · 21 views

God, how I hate this day! The world is looking forward and celebrating and I am not. I am re-living the nightmare that changed my world. I am reviewing my life, my failures, my inability to be more, do more, want more.

This anniversary has been different than past years, the normal PTSD symptoms are not with me today. The overwhelming triggers are...


Going back to T after 1 1/2 years

Posted by Reenie565 , 15 October 2011 · 29 views

I made an appointment to go back to T. It has taken me months to find the courage to go back. I have been so afraid to call him, and I've been fighting with myself trying to find out if I had a right to go back after leaving so abruptly. There has been a nagging question of why I left, what was going on then, what it means that I could leave the on...


Who am I really angry at?

Posted by Reenie565 , 05 September 2011 · 34 views

Anger is an emotion I rarely allow myself. Several years ago, I allowed myself to really be angry at my perp. It was painful and ugly, but it was a wonderful gift to myself and I was able to heal so much after that.

But, anger at people in my current life is still hard. It's hard to allow myself to feel it, and it's even harder to understand w...


How much longer before I learn to Live

Posted by Reenie565 , 01 August 2011 · 85 views

I'm so disappointed with myself lately. I really can't believe how hard it is to allow myself to live a little and enjoy myself. I can't believe that after all this time I still have the need to isolate and withdraw everytime I step out of myself a little. It's as if I need to balance all good with an equal amount of nothingness, of wit...


I just can't shut it off today... still feel the need to write & write..

Posted by Reenie565 , 18 June 2011 · 85 views

I'm thinking of all the people in my life that I know are happy. I'm trying to see what it is that is so very different about them, what they have that I lack. I know that even the happiest people have struggles, pain, sadness and insecurities. I'm not blind to the fact that life is at times hard for everyone. I'm just struggling to fi...

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