Ive broken down and realized Ive so much more to let go of.It hit me when I was curled up, tense & feeling shattered on the bathroom floor .What I needed was my husband to get off his "point" that he was so damn bent on making, not listening to reason.What I needed was my husband to stop and to just hold me, let me know that it will be ok.Not make sure his point or reasons were heard.I get so damn shaky when this happens,it unseats me as nothing else can.
i know that we will get through this and we will move on as a couple.What really struck home was when he asked simple questions, how answering them broke through.
Ive learned that telling is weak,and if you tell you lose.So telling, though its something I desperately need to do,its locked within so that letting it escape feels worse than keeping it in.
Ive been plauged with memories as of late that seemingly come from out of the blue.Memories of people in my life 3 years ago.Memories of crying in the barn, getting up the strength to ask the owner if what Lori said was true, that I wasnt really wanted there & the only reason I was was because Lori had asked a "special" favor, and I wasnt there on my own merit.Memories of being told not to become friends,not to speak,not to ask anything that may let them know me.I wasnt allowed to even ask to use the bathroom.It is these rules that I carry around.It is these rules that govern me.
Odd now that what I was told is true.It wasnt the violence that hurt the most,it was the words after.
I guess with the new year approaching my resolution will be to outgrow those words that have me trapped.