I Have a Problem
I've gotten to the point where anyone expressing anger, if it's not specifically stated towards who or what, I assume it's towards me. I wait every single day to have someone tell me that I am bad, terrible, shouldn't live, shouldn't talk, shouldn't be who I am etc. I keep waiting for that searing comment that's going to break me through, and it never comes, but I hear it in my head, such horrible words screamed at me, and just waiting for someone else to say it too...
It feels so real. I don't know if it's voices from the past abuse, as in the abuser's words to me now, just convinced others are thinking it too... I don't know. So dissociated with that all right now.
I also see every attempt at reaching out as bad, and that there are people out there "seeing through me" and thinking what a terrible liar I am. I see all the terrible emotions I feel as attention seeking, especially when shared, but even when not..
I think what if it's all in my head, what if people see it's all in my head, what if people see I am so terrible and there's nothing I can do about it, at all? I've been trying to logically tell myself this is ridiculous. People aren't out there reading what I'm saying and going "They shouldn't exist for that and wow clearly everything they've ever experienced is all in their head I can tell from how they type, how often they post etc", and yet part of me is so distraught emotionally, because somewhere inside I'm convinced they are.
It's hard to breathe and exist like this. I don't feel I have a right to any of my thoughts or feelings right now. Certainly no right to express them. It's dizzying. It's been bringing me to my absolute edge for months whenever it comes up. I hate this.
I don't know how to deal with it or get myself to believe emotionally that none of this is true, I'm not bad, and I'm not doing anything wrong by feeling