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Wishing I Felt More "In Myself" I Guess

Posted by FloweringRose , 20 January 2013 · 149 views

I never really figured out how to be my own person. As in, I never really figured out how to realize I'm not what my parents or family say I am, and that if I need space or am different than them or live life differently than their ideal, I'm still okay. I mean I'm 20 and if certain family members said "Do this, do that" I would. Even if I hated it.

It's a good thing my grandmother is not acting up anymore. She scared me pushing me to contact M. It was so so hard to stand up to her and say "This isn't okay, and no." I had to literally leave the space with her which was hard since we were all alone in an isolated house. But it's true that I just don't know how to be able to be okay just.. doing what I need to. I don't know. It kind of sucks.

Thinking of that at the same time as feeling really sad and empty. I can't shake the feeling that I've lost so much, some things that won't ever come back. I can't shake this feeling that maybe it'll always end up feeling so empty. But maybe it won't. I don't know. With time it'll get easier? I know I've gotten better even from last year so, I am making progress, even if it's hard to feel.

Sigh. This was a silly ramble. I just wish I knew how to be alone with myself, to validate myself, to soothe myself. To know my feelings are okay and they are what they are. I somehow missed developing these along the way and it sucks. In so many ways I'm re-parenting myself constantly, and it's just exhausting.
Bleh. I hope this week passes and I can get some rest once the exam stress is over too.

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