Rant About Surviving and Love
Was thinking today though how in a sense, I need to love to function. It's strange but true. I guess I'm finally admitting it. All the times in my life I've been healthiest are always either when I'm in a relationship that's making me happy or have feelings for someone (or more than someone) that are making me happy. The relationship part isn't even the central part, it's the fact I feel that affection and feel good about it, not shameful or bad towards myself, or not being in a position where I'm being abused by the other party. Like when I was with M and things felt good near the beginning (even though not everything was looking back), I did my best in school, I had the energy to be in a lot of extracurriculars, I had the spirit to deal with life and setbacks. And when him and I fell apart, and he was being abusive, suddenly I had nothing in me to give.
And it's been the same since sadly! Like being with E felt like it put life back into me, until things went downhill. And after things completely collapsed, I did myself. It wasn't that the trauma or my current life or the past changed that drastically you know? It's the fact that that love wasn't there anymore, not in her, not in myself. It felt like my life was completely dark.
And then in November I start liking this new guy, totally unexpectedly, and suddenly I'm happy again! Able to find good thoughts! It's like the depression instantly lifts and I feel *normal*. Not hyper or down or scattered by just, able to function and able to process and able to get through what's going on. It gives me this inner strength and fulfillment that's hard to explain.
And then the last few days I've felt all this doubt around it and once again things feel.. dark and morose. Absolutely exhausted. Ugh. I'm sick of this. I know prayer can sometimes bring that same emotion, of love and of feeling a "full heart", but it's too triggering most times. And I don't know what to do because I shouldn't depend on feeling love to be able to carry on should I? I've tried exercise and meditation and positive thinking and I've been in therapy for a year and yeah those can help, but it's not the same. And they really mostly kick in with those feelings of love in the background at the same time. That's when they're most effective for me. It's hard to explain.
If only it was easier to love myself like that? I guess I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe that would be the answer?
Ugh I'm so exhausted and feeling down on myself right now. I need to go lie down probably.