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I guess I'm just feeling so much right now I'm overloading. In every way...
About multiple things.
With E I'm just.. f-ck I'm so GRATEFUL she's alive. But I'm scared. I'm scared the voices will take her away from me if the psychiatrist doesn't get her help faster. I'm scared that though she says her plans are for June she might.. I don't know. I don't even dare think it. I love her so so much and I just CAN'T think of losing her like that. It breaks me down further than I already am.
And then on the note of love, I'm so in love with this other person too.. very much so. They're just so far :/ And I miss them a lot and then I feel BAD because if I miss them I must be super clingy and then I get myself panicked and that's when I actually get clingy I suppose, so it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. UGH. Why can't I just accept my feelings and let it be? Why do I have to keep poking at it until I actually do cause problems? I don't even know. They are so amazing though. So so amazing.
As E and B are. I'm just so lucky and blessed in that way. Lucky and blessed..
Yet I'm still in so much pain. Love can't solve this, I've learned that. But it still sucks...
I just am so much happier focusing on love than the past. But then, the past eventually rears itself so hard we can't take it anymore. We HAVE to deal with it, face it. We can't hide in love forever. But.. so scared to. Not sure I'm brave enough. Want to be brave enough.
Ugh dissociating...
Sigh.
I guess that's it. There's so much more to say but my self and brain is shutting down :/
About multiple things.
With E I'm just.. f-ck I'm so GRATEFUL she's alive. But I'm scared. I'm scared the voices will take her away from me if the psychiatrist doesn't get her help faster. I'm scared that though she says her plans are for June she might.. I don't know. I don't even dare think it. I love her so so much and I just CAN'T think of losing her like that. It breaks me down further than I already am.
And then on the note of love, I'm so in love with this other person too.. very much so. They're just so far :/ And I miss them a lot and then I feel BAD because if I miss them I must be super clingy and then I get myself panicked and that's when I actually get clingy I suppose, so it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. UGH. Why can't I just accept my feelings and let it be? Why do I have to keep poking at it until I actually do cause problems? I don't even know. They are so amazing though. So so amazing.
As E and B are. I'm just so lucky and blessed in that way. Lucky and blessed..
Yet I'm still in so much pain. Love can't solve this, I've learned that. But it still sucks...
I just am so much happier focusing on love than the past. But then, the past eventually rears itself so hard we can't take it anymore. We HAVE to deal with it, face it. We can't hide in love forever. But.. so scared to. Not sure I'm brave enough. Want to be brave enough.
Ugh dissociating...
Sigh.
I guess that's it. There's so much more to say but my self and brain is shutting down :/
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